Anxiety in children is originally nothing other than an expression of the fact they are feeling the loss of the person they love.

Wow, I don't even know where to begin. Since that faithful night in March when Mowgli took a shit on my heart, I haven't felt like writing. It's sad that someone like that could unmotivate me in so many ways. But it happened. Really the only reason why I decided to begin writing again, was because of a boy! I'm a sick sick individual. Why am I so crazy?

Well, it's because I had an extremely tragic childhood. Without getting into detail, I was abandoned and hurt numerous times by several parental figures in many different ways. The title to this blog is a quote from Freud. He was a wise individual. I say that because I have re-created my childhood into my adult life secondary to all these past experiences. I have serious anxiety and it is almost always in relation to a guy. I get obsessed with someone and I make sure I fuck it up some how OR I start talking to someone that I know is unavailable and hope that something will come of it.

In my right mind, I know that makes no sense and I need to just chill... but I can't. I can't stop wondering what the other person is thinking, feeling and wanting. Now here is were I really mess it up. I let them know that I am interested and everything I'm thinking, feeling and wanting at any given moment. I try to hold back but then I get obsessed just thinking about all the possible outcomes. Did I mention I'm crazy? (F.Y.I. I'm on anxiety medication, which helps...that seems funny to say after all that I just wrote. But it use to be much much worse.)

So I guess I should begin with the new guy....who's pretty much already gone but I can't seem to drop it. I met Faris Bueller at the end of Sept. after a bunch of people from work went to a Dodger's game. We hit up a local sports bar and it was packed. When I got there all my friends were posted up by the door, eventually we began taking over tables. Bueller was at one of these tables with two other guys. I saw him right away and thought he was pretty hot. But considering I was looking my usual mediocre self, I didn't want to start talking to him or flirting. Good thing his friends started talking to us and we found out we had a lot in common. They were all from Texas and were here working at Kaiser Sunset (right across the street from my hospital). It was a strange coincidence. So yadda yadda yadda, we all end up hanging out, drinking, talking etc. At some point, my sister and I mention we are leaving to go out to a club. Bueller asks if he can come with us because he hadn't been out to a club in LA yet. He and I exchange numbers (which I was surprised by because I thought he was interested in my sister at that point). We both go home to change and he kept texting me to meet up because we were both ready and my sister and her friend were taking a long ass time. So I finally agreed to meet up with him at a local bar, while we waited for my sister and her friend to get into the club. Well we ended up staying at this bar the whole night, talking, drinking and having a great time. I thought we were both flirting with each other but at the end of the night he wouldn't kiss me. I tried, he said something about how I said I didn't have any guy friends...

We discussed it and we both thought it would be pointless to start something especially when he doesn't live in LA. His job can put him anywhere in a given week. This coupled with some drama he's going through in life made me feel like I shouldn't bother trying to make a relationship. The problem began when we started meeting up a few times a week to go to bars. His assignment ended up keeping him in LA for over a month. I saw signs that probably weren't there. I read in between the line when he would send me a text. When we were together, I felt the most comfortable I have ever felt in my life. A feeling of not being judged in any way, of being cared for and thought about. Yes, I'm sure I've said this before....but it did feel different, in a way I can't really explain. But then again, he's leaving... I can't possibly suggest to him that we try to keep talking when he leaves! It's only been a month. But wait.....can I?

Oh of course I can! We discussed our feelings on the whole situation we're in, which made me realize that I like him way more than he does me. I told him I thought I liked him, which he responded "I definitely enjoy your company". OOOHHHH BURN! But even after all that, he would still want to hang out with me. He even went to Arizona for a week and we talked during the week. He came back to LA that next week and we went to a Laker's game together. I've told many a people about him and from little things I've heard him say, I thought he talked about me with his friends.... who's to know.

It's just weird, I've had the most fun in LA the past few months hanging out with him than I have in a long long time. My psychiatrist (yes i have one, I'm crazy remember?), my friends and my mom all told me to just be straight forward with it. My psychiatrist (who's a guy) even told me to invite him to Thanksgiving! I couldn't do it thought. That's much. Instead, I invited him to my work Holiday Party. He said he would look into it, but evidently he couldn't do it. I can't tell if he's just busy, ignoring me or actively seeking to get me off his nuts. So as a last ditch effort to see what this was all about, I decided I would do an email exchange (he's told me before he likes to write, figured we could get to know each other better). He has yet to respond to me, instead he wrote a mass email to his friends and family... including me, whenever he accidental left his phone in TX. I ended up taking to him on the phone later and he even said he wrote "that email to everyone that I knew I needed to talk to this week". Should I take that as a sign that he wants to get to know me better? AHHH, again with the wondering.

SOO as a way to clear my mind, I have written this blog. In a way, it's to Bueller himself. So he can see how demented I really am and finally delete my number. Or he will finally come to his senses and decide that maybe he likes me more than he'd like to admit and he's afraid of the situation.... he's willing to see where it all goes and save me from myself! OR I'm fucking insane and he won't read this, I'm writing all my personal business for all the world to see and I'm back where I started... Anxious.

Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy

I'm in love with this song by Ciara right now, because it just echos what I feel right now.

Like A Boy

Pull up your pants
(Just Like Em')
Take out the trash
(Just Like Em')
getting ya cash like em'
Fast like em'
Girl you outta act like ya dig
(What I'm talkin' bout')
Security codes on everything
Vibrate so your phone don't ever ring
(Joint Account)
And another one he don't know about

Wish we could switch up the roles
And I could be that...
Tell you I love you
But when you call I never get back
Would you ask them questions like me?...
Like where you be at?
Cause I'm out 4 in the morning
On the corner rolling
Doing my own thing
Oh

What if I?...
Had a thing on the side?
Made ya cry?
Would the rules change up?...
Or would they still apply?...
If I played you like a toy?...
Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy

Girl go head and be...
(Just Like Em')
Go run the streets
(Just Like Em')
come home late say sleep like em'
Creep like em'
Front with ya friends
Act hard when you're with em' like em'
(What)
Keep a straight face when ya tell a lie
Always keep an air-tight alibi
(Keep Him In The Dark)
What he don't know won't break his hear

Wish we could switch up the roles
And I could be that...
Tell you I love you
But when you call I never get back
Would you ask them questions like me?...
Like where you be at?
Cause I'm out 4 in the morning
On the corner rolling
Doing my own thing
Yea

What if I?...
Had a thing on the side?
Made ya cry?
Would the rules change up?...
Or would they still apply?...
If I played you like a toy?...
Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy

So it's been a little while and much has occurred. I wanted to write the week it happened, but I couldn't even believe it and I was extremely busy with school that I couldn't even comprehend how fucked up I thought it was. SOO... what happened you might be asking yourself?

About 3 weeks ago, I went to Mowgli's going away party at the Standard downtown with my sister (whom he told me I should bring). We were going to see The Color Purple musical beforehand, so I had to dress up. I wore this dress I had worn to my work xmas party from '06, that Mowgli had said was what had caught his eye on facebook. "I had to talk to the girl with that dress" - is what he said. I wore my favorite perfume, that he always liked. I was a little sad that he was leaving, but excited about at least sending him off. I assumed we'd spend the night together and I had asked before, and he said maybe. I took that as a silly, sarcastic thing and even joked back with him, like "maybe I'll come by then". Anyhow, we're at the Standard, my sister and I don't know any of his other friends so we go eat in the restaurant downstairs to kill a little time and we were starving. Some homeless guy comes in, starts acting crazy and yelling about how he's not leaving until they arrest him. When security and the bar managers try to escort him out, he starts punching himself in the face over and over!!! It was nuts, but the rooftop bar manager said he'd buy us drinks for our "distress", haha. So we're drinking, I'm sleepy. I haven't seen Mowgli in a little while, so I call him, he comes find me. My sister is chit-chatting with the bar manager guy and Mowgli is kissing me, asking me if I'm going to visit him and that he'll come visit me in August when he comes back to visit. I'm sure I had a goofy grin on my face, cause I was eating this bullshit up. One of his friends kept come up and trying to get him to go somewhere with her and he kept saying no. So after him making me feel all special and that he actually cares a little bit about me, I ask if he wants to spend the night together. His response: "I don't know about that". Hum.... I ask why. He says, "Well, you know that girl over there (he points to his "friend" that kept coming over through out conversation)? I've been dating her for about a month and a half." WOW! Luckily I was sorta drunk and just didn't really absorb what he said. I really couldn't wrap my head around the fact that this was really happening and right in front of everyone, including my sister! I ask him why he would do that and invite the two girls he's dating to the same party, when we obviously don't know about each other. He just kept saying that he wanted to see me before he left and that he was still there talking to me, even though she kept trying to take him away and that he wasn't answering his phone when she was calling. I wasn't sure how that was supposed to make me feel better that the guy that I've been talking to for almost a year, that I trusted, and cared for didn't have ANY respect for me to not pull some shit like that and ESPECIALLY in front of my sister. It didn't bother me that he was seeing someone else, but it really bothered me that he even invited me to his going away party without saying anything before about dating someone else, knowing that I would want to spend the night with him, and then waiting till after he told me all these lies about how much he cared for me, to be like "oh by the way..." I really couldn't even argue with him, I was so angry that I knew I'd be making a scene and I didn't want to do that, because then my sister would start backing me up and I'm sure we'd get kicked out of that place.

The other girl finally got him to go talk to her, and I guess he told her whatever but she didn't seem to care that he was kissing me like 30 minutes before as she was watching it, because right when the bar closed (ya we stayed cause the bar manager kept bring me drinks and I felt like they were deserved at that point)they walked right pasted me holding hands and he said "I'm just getting my card". I laughed,cause he was such a dick and that girl was ok with it. My sister and I left. (I probably went up to them and said some shit like "it's ok, you can have him", it would have probably make me feel vindicated somehow) The next morning, I realized how angry I was about that whole situation and told him that.
I said "I shouldn't let you believe I'm ok with what you did last night, because I'm not even close to being ok with that. I hope it was worth it".
Mowgli: "It's all worth it for me. Life is very short. Enjoy it while you can. You are still special enough to me to have known it might have turned out this way."
Me: "Ya life is short but you'll see one day how the way you treat other people will come back. Like I said it's not about you seeing someone else, its that you didn't have enough respect for me to do it in a different way. I just think you should think about how your actions affect other people... your life is not just about you."

And I never heard a thing back. That's how special I am to him. And even now as I write this, it makes me angry. I know I shouldn't be, because I knew he was a douchbag all along, but he kept making me think there was something there between us, something that I've wanted for a while, but he just couldn't give me what I wanted and I knew that. I obviously was seeing other people, but I would have NEVER had Mowgli meet N.W.A., Asian mike, or even The-Ex. I mean what the fuck!! It made it worst that I was cuter than her... or so I think. haha.

Mowgli, is deleted. I don't think he will ever understand how much that hurt me and it came at the worst time. That happened on a Sunday night. And that entire week, I had paper, after project, after presentation that had to be done. I was angry and stressed, which for me, leads to anxiety attacks. I had chest pain for two days with normal EKGs. I just knew it was anxiety induced, so I decided to start taking anti-anxiety medication again. Some would say that's stupid to take medications for things like that, but I know it helps me more than I can. I took them for a year after The-Ex and I broke up and my arthritis got so out of hand. I figure it's better for me to start now, hopefully not worry about doucheface Mowgli anymore and reduce my stress so I don't get any arthritis flare-ups.

So now, I'm feeling a little bit better about that situation. And then I did something sorta stupid, or good I'm not sure yet. I had a dream about N.W.A. and it made me feel like I should talk to him again. So I send him a message on myspace and we've been talking since. I know what you're saying, and yes, it's definitely a rebound!! But we really discussed alot of the shit that was bothering me about him, namely the whole "I hate white people" thing. And he really explained himself and showed me that maybe I was taking his jokes a little too seriously. When he put it that way, as well as describing it as if it were the chappelle show. I definitely got it, because i do that too!! I guess I always make it seem like a joke, with a laugh or something, when he just kinda says it. I dunno, though. But I think my battered ego is just wanting someone that is more loving than Mowgli, towards me. I guess I need it. I'm not sure if it will be helpful or hurtful in the long run, but for now it helps. And I'm gonna keep doing it!

Well, I'm done talking now. I just had to put that up because a friend was asking about it. So it's there. When I feel more up to it, I'll write about something less depressing. Oh wait, no I won't. haha. This is a great spring break!

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands.

Ah so this year started off pretty good... and I guess it's not horrible yet, just very stressful.

School is just back to back work, test, assignments, and projects. I feel overwhelmed... so much so that I don't even know where to begin half the time. I should have been studying all weekend for this Patho test that I have tomorrow, but you see I'm slacking off.

The reason why I decided to post today was because I've been frustrated. Frustrated with boys. I'm really always frustrated with the male species but every so often I feel like things are coming together and then I get bitch slapped.

So about 3 weeks ago, I met a new guy. My sister had a guy from her work come and help us move. I'm gonna call him N.W.A. cause after hanging out with him I realized he has some race issues, which I'll discuss later. We picked him up and I instantly wished that I had at least taken a shower before we did. He was so fine. Yum. Mulatto, hot body, beautiful smile. As he was helping us move, we were flirty but not anything too serious, more like slightly argumentative cause he kept talking shit and you know I don't take that. We all ended up hanging out after moving, ate dinner, watched some tv. Whenever we were driving him home, he just up and says "So Bianca, can I get your number?" I was thrown of guard, cause not only did I look like a hot mess all day, he was asking in front of my sister and I wasn't sure he was asking asking or just wanted to be friends. So I'm sitting there like.. "umm, huh? what?". So NOW, it's weird in the car. My sister says "he was just trying to be nice" and he said "what if i'm not? What if I'm trying to ask her out?" OHH, ya so now I don't know how to give him my number cause I just shot him down without meaning to.

Well we drop him off and then the next day I see he wrote me a message on myspace about the whole thing. Saying that he was bummed that he asked for my number and got nothing. I wrote back, gave him my number and we chit-chatted via text for a bit. He asks me out on a date, I accept. THEN my sister tells me a story about him. Evidently, he was talking to a girl they both work with and things didn't turn out so well... she was leaving and got lost in his apartment complex and then he wouldn't answer the phone, the door or her texts. She eventually got out but when he did respond he said some fucked up shit like (not exact quote) "Here's a funny story... this guy slaves over a stove to make this girl a delicious meal and she, who came over late night should have assumed she was going to give it up, didn't give it up at all. So the guy told her to take the wrong elevator, turned off his phone and the girl got stuck in the garage. Hilarious." Ya, I know I probably should have stopped talking to this fool then, but I let him tell me his side of the story because if I stopped talking to every guy that was an asshole to a girl one time because she didn't fuck him, then I probably wouldn't have too many options. His side of the story was similar but he portrayed her as more of a sexual aggressor (like she asked to lay in bed, started grinding on him, etc). Then she abruptly stopped when it got to the fucking part. NOW, I know a girl has every right to say no whenever she wants, but I'm also aware that if you get to that point and say stop the guy has every right to be mad.

And I guess since I was having fun with him and we had already discussed that we wouldn't be fucking anytime soon, it didn't bother me. We've hung out a couple other times since, spent the night together and all that. He was very sweet and caring. Gave me massages, strokes my head when we're sitting together, wants to hold my hand or hold me. I dunno I guess I miss that, especially since Mowgli doesn't do that at all. He is a little racist against white people, which can be really annoying to me. But then again, most black men are racists towards white people. But again, I didn't want to judge him on that. THEN, last night. We met up at a sports bar with some of my friends to watch the All-Star game. I thought everything was cool. We were joking, flirty, holding hands, kissing, etc. Chill. He asked me to drop of the girls and come to his place later, but I didn't drive so I had to wait till they all wanted to leave, get my car and go to his place. He hangs out for a little bit after the game was over but he said he wanted to go home. So after he leaves, I realize that we didn't confirm the hanging out afterwards thing. I text him, asking if he still wanted to hang out later. So this is the back and forth convo:

N.W.A: Told you, I don't do white girls :-p
Me: Oh ok have a good night then, and i thought I was black according to you (he said something along the lines of if you're mixed, you're black)
N.W.A: Who you are is not determined by me, sweetheart, its just my opinion of you. It seems however you've been brainwashed into thinking you're white by all the fuckin treatment you've received in the past. I ain't at it, i'm kidding with ya... but still.
Me: Haha I'm neither black nor white, I'm both equally. And I'm not nearly brainwashed, I know and love both my cultures. U want to see me or not? I need answers
N.W.A.: I don't enjoy squabbling. I'll see you some other time. You missed the opportunity when i put it out there originally. Fortune cookie say: don't be an ass, give an ass.
Me: I said I rode with someone else you didn't give me an opportunity besides that. I wanted to see you this whole weekend and if you don't see that then I dunno what else I can do.
N.W.A.: Don't play mind games B. Drop the ego. When I asked you to come over, all you had to say was "ok, after I get home I'll come over" But you and that attitude had to fuck it up, like you have to have the upper hand or some shit. I like chill women, not someone tryna mind fuck me. I've said how I feel and you aren't clear about your feelings. I feel like you have baggage and thats where all this comes from. Whether a past bf or whatev, I don't need that shit. Be straight up, cuz women that project their bullshit into my life, their bad energy into my positive flow, aint' worth it to me.
Me: Whatever you know i like you and I want to spend time with you. No games here. If you can't tell after i'm sitting here kissing you in public, touching you, flirting with you and telling you straight up I want to see you then waht else can I do?
N.W.A: B, are you cool with us being tight but not "together"? fuckin, but not bf/gf?
Me: Ya for now, but like I said if its not gonna be an option eventually then no
N.W.A.: Like you said, then we shouldn't even start. no offense towards you, but I have a fierce no relationship policy"

Then it goes on about how he's fucking stupid for asking me to keep hanging out when I had told him a few days before this same thing. I told him that if it's not going to be an option then don't talk to me anymore. He said he would think about it, so then two days later he wants to hang out. TO ME, that means "I thought about it, it can be an option, I want to see you and find out what happens". I guess that's not the case. And evidently I'm the one who's not clear about my feelings. Interesting.

So I asked if we were done.. he says yes. NOW i'm not sure if he's saying yes to "we're done talking about this" or "we're done seeing each other"... I meant it as are we done seeing each other. but whatever, I was too drunk last night to keep talking on text. I figure if he was just saying that we were done with the conversation, then he'll hit me up later. IF not, then I don't really care. I like him and all but evidently he's not on the same page as me in terms of dating.

AND I forgot one great part, on Valentine's Day, I had asked what he was doing the day before, seeing what time he got off work etc. He never responded. On v-day, he tells me that he's going on a date. OHH stab into the heart. Not like I can have claim on him, seeing as we've only been talking for like 2 wks and I'm sorta back and forth with Mowgli and L'Uomo alto was still in the picture. But damn, lie to a bitch. But it was ok, cause I got to go to the NAACP Image Awards and the after party. Got to rub elbows with some powerful black people. Saw Stevie Wonder up close and personal. I'll work on uploading the pics.

So I guess that's it for him. I think I'm slightly retarded for even worrying about it but sometimes I question what's wrong with me and what's wrong with my judgment that I always attract and want guys who are dicks. Who knows.

Updates: Mowgli, dunno. Haven't talked to him in 3 wks. Not too worried about it. Don't really care anymore. L'Uomo Alto: was driving me crazy. With all this hecticness, he kept asking me out and the more he asked, the more disinterested I got. i think it had something to do with me not having an initial physical attraction but i'm not sure. Either way, he started trippin about how I didn't give him a fair chance and that we could have been perfect for each other. Then he all of a sudden has a date on V-day that he's all about.....interesting seeing as it was only 4 days after i told him i didn't want to date him. Guys are fucking stupid and heartless sometimes.

Here's a great quote I found too:
"Men are confused. They're conflicted. They want a woman who's their intellectual equal, but they're afraid of women like that. They want a woman they can dominate, but then they hate her for being weak. It's an ambivalence that goes back to a man's relationship with his mother. Source of his life, center of his universe, object of both his fear and his love."

I think that's it...and even if it's not, i gotta go to the gym. So whatever, TOOTLES.

Was it good for you?.... I've had better

Ah so a new year, a new beginning right? Actually, I think it may be working out like that after all. It feels weird to think that it could be different, but it's starting to look like that. Maybe it's my attitude towards the new year and my new years resolution, which was to meet more people, go on more dates even if it's not someone I wouldn't normal go out with, etc.

So far I've been on one date with a guy I met around Halloween at Opera, we'll call him Dr. Ahmad. He just came up to me all crazy like, drunk, but he was funny. So I kept talking to him even though my friends had already run away. He gave me his number, I took it with no intentions of calling him but I ended up doing just that about a month later. We chit-chatted occasionally, but when he called me while I was in Oklahoma over New Years he made me feel all special. He said he wanted to be my sugar daddy which for a girl is pretty nice. Haha. j/k I'm not like that at all. Anyhow, we went out about 2 weeks ago now. He picked me up, took me to my favorite restaurant (Gyu-kaku)and it was ok. Ya just ok. It's weird, I feel like every guy I meet has to be fucked up (either drunk, high or both) for us to hang out. He wasn't drunk when he picked me up, but he really wanted to get drunk at the restaurant. He kept wanting me to take shots, he ordered a bottle of sake and mojitos. He didn't understand that I really don't drink and especially not that much. Eventually I gave up the arguing about not wanting to drink and just let him order the shit. Then next thing you know, as I'm sipping the Sake, he's taking shots of it.... should be an interesting drive home, huh? He also was trying too hard to impress me by ordering a ton of food, which before we even ordered I told him I don't eat much in a sitting. BUT NOOOO, he had to order a family thing that feeds like 3-5 people. Um ya, I can't eat that much. Luckily, I love Gyu-kaku and I love it to-go as well. After dinner, he wants to go to a bar, but it's Sunday and not much is crackin' off. He decides we should just go get a BOTTLE of vodka and go back to his place. By this point, I just wasn't sure if I wanted to be trapped at his place. He's funny and all, but I wasn't too physically attracted to him. Then I remembered my stupid New Year's resolution and said ok. We go to his place. Have a drink, talk, etc. He's really funny so that was a plus. But when he wanted to make out, I did it, but it was like making out with a friend. No spark. No nothing. He said he wanted to go out again, I said ya me too... but I really didn't care either way. I guess if he asks again, I'll go but I'm not holding my breath for that one.

Now, I'm trying to figure out the new guy, we'll call him L'Uomo Alto. He found me on facebook, evidently searching out his perfect girl and guess who popped up first on the list? Yup, that's right... me. That's already a hard role to fill but it gets even weirder than that. We have very similar personalities, including sarcasm and bluntness, and we have similar background stories. He's also a huge fan of my stupid blog that I was sure was only for my benefit. By fan, I mean he reads them more than I do and can remember what the fuck I wrote, even though I can't. So what does that mean? It's destiny and we're meant to be together forever? I actually have no idea. I guess I would like to believe that it's that perfect, but I'm crazy and pessimistic. Which means I'm gonna fuck it up. But the story is... so far this: L'uomo alto really wanted to get to know me so we exchanged some messages via facebook, but it wasn't good enough for him. So we tried AIM, which didn't work out so well because he was using some weird version or whatever. We didn't talk for a little while and when I got back from Oklahoma he had sent me a message on facebook saying that he wanted to get to know me and that we should exchange numbers. I said no, and then 5 mins later remembered this damn resolution and sent him a text. We've probably talked every day since, great conversations. We'll talk for hours, it's like I'm 15 again and it makes me feel giddy... like just maybe this time I met someone who's nice and wants to see me, not like Mowgli. And I feel like I deserve all that and I want that. But then it happens and I run away. L'uomo alto sends me texts about how beautiful I am, calls me and leaves messages saying he just wanted to hear my voice. It weirds me out cause I've only begun talking to him a week ago. A couple of nights ago, my friend Melanie and I went to his house to have a drink. Granted this is the first time I met him in person but he was cool except he also was fucked up before we got there which made me feel weird about the situation. I think he was nervous too cause it was slightly uncomfortable until we all had a drink and started to watch George Lopez standup. The thing that really bothered me was right when we were about to leave Mel went to the bathroom and he asked me if he passed. I mean even if he didn't, it's hard to tell someone right then if you did or not. But I said yes, which I meant... but I wasn't real sure, I just was sure that he wasn't completely X'd out. Then as Mel and I were walking out the door, he said he'd walk us out and he asked her if he passed the friend test. I was like "she doesn't matter". I didn't mean for it to sound like that, but really she doesn't in that regard. She can love you, but if I don't... I don't. Since then, we've sorta talked, but I've also been working three 12hr shifts in a row and I can't seem to get to bed early enough to wake up at 5am and be ok, so we haven't talked for hours like before. I think I'm being a little standoff-ish because I feel really pressured to like him. I feel like it's old-BU guy again (from last Jan.) and I don't want to hurt a nice guy.. but damn, I don't really want someone who's soo nice they're a little bitch. Of course I've told him all this, but I'm trying very hard not to dismiss him just because of that. Maybe I need to start being able to accept that someone can be nice and not a push over, or that they're genuine. I think I need an asshole around to show me that having a nice guy is exactly what I need and I shouldn't be afraid of it.

Where's Mowgli when you need his ass? Oh ya, he's moving... I dunno if I mentioned that. I haven't talked to him in weeks and it doesn't really bother me. I mean, I really thought I liked him and I hoped he would be willing to see where it all went, but he didn't care. He's too busy for me because he obviously doesn't like me and he doesn't care to make the time. I get it now and I'm ok with it. It's like the revelation I had when I first saw the Ex in over 2 yrs. Like, "eh, guess I'm over it". Funny though, both are guys that if they really wanted to be with me and were willing to work on it, I'd probably date them again (well Mowgli would be for the first time, but you know). SO I went from 2 guys that could care less about seeing me or being with me, to two guys that are all about me. It's sorta disheartening like I'm really never going to be happy because either I have no idea what I want, what I want doesn't exist, or only guys who are dicks or bitches (maybe not that extreme) like me.

What to do? I guess there is always The Hands, who is my masseuse and occasional bedmate. Too bad I'm not interested in dating him in the slightest but it works out well because I get sex and a companion just when I want it. Maybe I should just buy some male escorts. That actually doesn't sound like a horrible idea except for they're way too expensive out in LA. I wonder if I could find a struggling male model or something...

I guess I should do a brief update on my trip home and school,etc. Oklahoma well, it's Oklahoma. I met up with my trainer (he's also from OKC) one night. But he didn't stay too long cause he needed to be at the airport butt ass early in the morning. Anyhow I was in OKC for 10 days, I went out 3 or 4 nights, only got drunk 1 night, got sick 3 days into the trip, was in bed by 2am on New Years Eve, had no NYE kiss. I got asked out on a date by this guy I made out with once a few years ago, actually he really harassed me about going out, just had to go on this date with me, he even sent me a text at 3am the night he asked to remind me to let him know what day I was free, so I did the next day and then never called or texted back to figure out when and where. Bitch. The Hands was trying to get some ass one night too, but I was sick and didn't feel like it. Wait, did I just say I didn't feel like hooking up? I think that's the first time I've ever not wanted to.... ya really it has to be. I saw the Ex briefly... he's doing well. No real news on that front. Asian Mike was all over my ass too. But he wanted me to figure out how to meet him in Norman so we could fool around at 2am... and even though he's cute, I guess the fact that he can't even hit me up when we're in LA to hang out made me less interested in figuring out how to see him in OKC. Besides all that, I only got to see a few friends briefly, noone was too interested in picking me up and if they were, I was too sick to want to go anywhere. The family is good. As much as my mother drives me crazy, I wish the whole family were in LA so I could see them, my mom could make me food and I'd still have the lovely weather. It sucked that once I got off the plan my arthritis started acting crazy and I haven't been right since.

SO that's about it. School is going to kill me this quarter so don't hold your breath for too many updates in the next 8 weeks. But at least you have this novel to read.

I will never understand you, when will I stop trying?

Oh boy... so much to say and really nothing new at all.

I finished finals almost 2 weeks ago. I did pretty well, for not trying hardly at all. I got about a 3.5 gpa, right now... I think. Whatever it is, it's above 3.0 and that's all that really matters. I start school back up the second week of January. i'm not at all excitied about it. It's going to be ridiculously hard.

Trying to find a place to live. My sister and I want to move into a house, but LA is crazy and expensive so we'll see where we get. It doesn't help that we want to stay in the Hollywood, Weho, Mid-Wilshire, etc. areas.

Nothing new in the relem of my arthritis. Same gimpy hands.

Nothing really exciting when it comes to exercising except I'm tired of hearing people tell me I'm skinny. Ya I know, shocker! It's just weird to hear because I'm not that skinny. I have lost about 10lbs since I began with my trainer, mostly because I haven't changed my diet as much as I should. But the crazier thing is, I'm not back to my normal weight (before the 'roids). I don't feel skinny, maybe just thinner than before. Either way, i can tell I'm more toned, especially my arms and my legs a little. Surprisingly, I can do push-ups now! Not too many and they're slightly modified, but I haven't been able to do a push-up since I was 17!

And last but not least is... BOYS! It's always about boys. Right now, I just can't even take my mind off of them. When I'm at the gym, I'm always checking out someone like I haven't eaten in 2 weeks and the guy was a slab of ribs with extra BBQ sauce. Seriously, drooling. It doesn't help that I work out in Hollywood and there are always celebs or reality show peeps that are hotter than hell there. Recently, I saw Brett from VH1's America's Most Smartest Model. God damn, that boy is fine. Tall. big ass arms. Beautiful smile. My trainer had to snap me out of staring a few times. That's pretty bad, huh?

The latest on Mowgli: He's a fuck face. I'm sure based on my rants alone most people thought he was a douchebag from the get-go...and ya, I guess I did too. But I think I always wish there was a good side to people. It's weird cause I feel like sometimes maybe he does have one. But he shows it to me at a distance. So here's what happened. About a week ago, he finally hit me up on AIM. It had probably been a couple of weeeks since we talked. I had already deleted him from my phone and AIM at this point. He tells me he's moving to NYC in 2 months! So I figure what the hell, I might as well tell him exactly what I've wanted to for a while. So I tell him that I like him, but he gets on my nerves because he never wants to hang out etc. He basically says that he doesn't have time to make plans with people, blah blah blah, cause of work, yadda yadda yadda, but he likes me and he has thought about dating me but he tries to make it sound like he doesn't want to date anyone because it's a '"defense mechanism" - trying not to give in'. So based on this conversation, he makes it sound like he at least wants to hang out some before he's going to leave. We talk on the phone a few days later, I ask if he wants to hang out this weekend. He says he's not free Friday but wanted to go ice skating Saturday. So that's the plan. Friday comes and I send him a text asking when he wants to go ice skating the next day. Nothing. I resend it and he says he can't go tomorrow, because he has a family thing he has to go to. But maybe after his thing Friday night we could hang out. And I never hear from him again. I sent a couple of texts and called, never responded, never answered the phone, never called back.... SO it's confirmed that I'm a retard for believing that he wanted more than what it is now. I obviously knew a while ago, but he keeps fucking with my head by telling me that he's afraid or whatever... or implying that he likes me. But you know, actions speak louder than words....and I guess I should just see it for what it is. If he really liked me, work wouldn't be an issue. If he wanted to see me, he'd make the time. None of this is true and I guess I finally got the hint. And it comes at such a great time, because now I can go back to OKC for a while and not think about his stupid ass anymore. And the best part is, I can meet up with one of my guy friends who is also an ex-booty call, maybe for a rekindling of our past trysts (if he's single at the moment) but even if not, he always boost my ego. I wish I liked him in a more romantic way, cause he always lets me know how great and beautiful i am, when every guy I like makes me feel like a loser. Sometimes you just need that ego boost, especially when the guy you've liked for the past few months won't even give you the time of day.

This sorta brings me to The-Ex. We've been talking occasionally. Seems like my prediction came true and he's already dating someone else. He's a serial monogamist. Funny though, he basically said he needed someone to help sort out his life (not in those words... but that's my interpretation). That was funny because I realized that I used him to help me fix my problems, and it hurt our relationship because I was putting all of my happiness on him. I worry that's what he's doing now. But oh, well... I'm not dating him so I guess it's none of my business. Although, it reminded me that I need to be sure I'm not doing this with any new guys I date. Maybe I've been doing that to Mowgli, maybe that's why he's afraid. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I think it's time I accepted that Mowgli isn't a good fit for me, unless something drastically changes, which it isn't. I guess I need sow my wild oats and forget about relationships... maybe they're not for me.

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie.

I don't know what it is I'm wanting.
All these boys are taunting.
I feel I know which one I crave.
Want to tell, but I'm not that brave.
I fear he will say something too grave.
I should give up, but I am his slave.

I have thoughts that he feels the same.
But often wonder if it's part of the game.
The game I don't want to keep playing,
our happy moments keep me swaying.
Persistently ask God by praying,
"Why, oh why, do I keep staying?"

My head tells me he doesn't care.
My heart feels more there.
Maybe he's afraid of what it could be.
Is it possible he's as confused as me?
Or he wants to keep being free.
Maybe there is more than one she.

Got to stop doing all of this.
All I want is peaceful bliss,
A more frequent kiss.
He is who I always miss.
But to complicate it all,
done by a random call,
a boy who now causes an emotional brawl.
I know what I want or do I at all?
Wishing he will show me something small,
To show I'm not the only one to fall.

Only the second to get this far.
This poem is for you,
you know who you are.
Don't want to bid adieu,
but we're both scared of that old scar.

Let's no longer pretend,
just need it to mend.
Should we just be friends?
But fuck, I don't want it to end...

Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours

So it's been a nice little while. SO we'll split it up into topics.

Arthritis: I had to get a pneumonia and flu vaccine the other day. Now the pneumonia vaccine arm hurts like a bitch. Oddly, it hurts more two days after the actually injection. I had to get them because 1. I have an auto-immune disease, 2. I'm a nurse and work with sick kids, 3. my doctor just started me on Enbrel. "Enbrel is a type of protein called a tumor necrosis factor (TNF) blocker that blocks the action of a substance your body's immune system makes called TNF." It's an injection I have to give myself every week. FUN! I still get to take Methotrexate, which in higher doses is used as Chemotherapy. The best part is as I'm correcting my arthritis, or preventing it from getting worse, I am loosing my hair and have a severely decreased immune system! Don't you love how medicine works?

Travel: I went to New Jersey a few weeks ago. A guy I went to BU with wanted to fly me out, and you can't really say no to that. Of course everyone kept saying he just wants to hook up. And I'm sure that was a likely motivation on his part. But I told him before he bought the ticket that he shouldn't buy it if he thinks we're going to hook up. He didn't blatantly try anything, but subtlety I thought maybe he was. Oh well. I had fun. It was a nice, relaxing time. I got to hang out with my old roommate, Winter, in Philly. Got to check out NYC. I actually did one of those double-decker bus tours. HAHA. Ate very well. And the best part was that I didn't pay for a thing! No, not really. I actually don't like it when guys pay for everything...it's nice but then it makes you feel like you own them something. But he really wouldn't let me pay, so I stopped fighting it. The most interesting part was a guy that I dated in OKC right before I moved to LA, lives in NYC and he would not stop calling/texting me about coming to see him for sex. I thought it was funny seeing as we never had sex and right before I left I wanted to and he denied me....funny how things change.

School: It's boring. I'm bored. I can hardly stay awake in class. I don't feel like I'm learning anything. If anything I feel like I'm wasting my time and wish I didn't have to be there. But my fucking arthritic self keeps me there, knowing that I might not be able to use my beautiful hands one day... and I'll be making $100K+/ yr. Maybe I can be some hot young guy's sugar momma. Hopefully a masseuse/chef/model.

Exercise: Even though I'm about the same weight in lbs, I'm looking nice. The people at work think I'm almost too skinny now. I hear the comments every time I go to work. It's funny cause even though I don't work out nearly as much as I used to and I don't eat as well as I was, I look better than I did. I'm not sure if that's cause my new trainer is better or what. But I will say I like him much better. 1. He never thought I should loose weight, just tone. So he's never measured me, weighted me, nothing. 2. He's not as strict about my diet. And if I told him I ate McDonald's, he wouldn't kill me or make me feel bad. 3. He's from Oklahoma. So that already makes him cool. 4. He's motivating not criticizing, even when I complain while I'm working out about how it hurts or I don't like it.

Boys: You all knew that I'd write something about boys....that's all I talk about, duh! Well, while Mowgli was running around the jungle, going on trips, working all the time, partying without asking me along, you know just general stuff that shows me that he was lying when he said he wanted to hang out more. I really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but with a lack of sex, lack of sleep, stress related to my arthritis,school, work etc, I've just been either emotional or extremely bitchy. My sister keeps saying I've been really mean recently. But I'm not sure if it's my fault that everyone is fucking stupid. So I will say that I was acting fairly crazy towards him recently, because I was pissed and hurt. I just don't get why people say things that they don't mean. So basically, he could never hang out with me but he'd go out with other people. Granted, these people could be work people, but still, if he actually wanted to hang out with me, he'd find some time. But on Halloween (which by the way, I was sort of Bettie Page) when he went from "maybe I'll come by" to "I'M STILL AT THE PARTY. PROB NOT." I realized that I'm a fucking idiot for still talking to this fool. I mean what am I getting out of it. We're not dating, we don't hang out, I can't even get a booty call out of him... it's silly. So instead I'm doing what every scorned girls does, goes out and gets some new ass. I mean.... Na, I'm just talking to new and old guys, seeing where it all goes. It's unfortunate that I always end up liking guys that I think are genuine and nice, and end up being douche bags. Maybe I bring it out of them. Not sure. ALSO! The guy I was seeing before Mowgli, the one on drugs, texted me while I was in NJ, wanting to talk. He apologized for his behavior, I guess he's in rehab now. And he said "You're one of the most amazing girls and will make someone very happy." I find this ironic/amusing because when I'm dating a guy they never think of me this way, it's only my best guy friends or exes that think I'm so great. It's very bittersweet for me to know that. I actually think every guy I've ever dated has said something along those lines after we broke up or stopped talking. Maybe it's a lie. Maybe you don't know what you have till it's gone...