The Chronicles of Biancadonk

Tell me what you don't like about yourself.

2010-03-10T18:06:00.000-08:00

After watching Alice in Wonderland IMAX 3D, my sister and I were eating sushi and she asked me "When is the last time you felt beautiful?"... My answer? Never.

I know, I know...You are probably already writing a comment saying "You're beautiful" or "Everyone is beautiful". Well I'm not sure I believe that. I think I'm attractive, but beautiful? I'm more cute. Semantics really but that's my opinion. I feel that Marilyn is beautiful, she's someone that an overwhelming majority of people would find attractive. Trust, there are plenty of people who do no find me good looking.

But regardless, in the hopes of making myself feel better about my body at least...I signed up for a 5k on May 1. I don't run or really exercise now...so this should be interesting, especially with my consistently swollen ankle. I am also now going to be in my friend's wedding and I think she may chose a fairly curvy hugging dress...which I'm into if my Spanx don't show through it!

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

2010-02-10T10:36:00.000-08:00

So I finally decided to write another post. Not like I've been especially busy but I just haven't been doing a whole lot for me to write about. But for the sake of the only person who reads this (Raven), here's an update on my life.

I recently joined match.com because several people from my work have found their fiances on it...so I figure what the hell!? I could use a date or two, even if I don't find the one. I will say there are some hot ass guys on there and I have been talking to a couple, so we'll see where it goes. I also was ambitiously brave and sorta asked out a guy who teaches a class at my work...he's a hottie, but since I didn't really talk to him in class I not sure where that will go either. He did say he wanted to get a drink, but I haven't heard from him since...hopefully it's just cause he was busy or out of town?

On the new job front...not looking so well at this point. The job I've been holding out for seems like it may take longer than I anticipated, so I'm sorta stuck at my current job. Good thing I like it so much! I just want to stop working weekends and holidays...it just makes it hard to be social and meet people, as well as all these dying children can get depressing and it's hard to talk to other people about it.

When I go on some dates my posts should be a little more interesting...but at least I'll be going to Mammoth Feb 16-19...so I should have some fun stuff then too! Until next time, America...(or Germany).

Restart

2010-01-11T09:35:00.000-08:00

So after months of not posting, I've decided to get back to it! I would like to change the direction of this blog but I'm not sure what to do it about. I've always liked talking about my dating life but I've been slacking in that area.

I need a mission...a plan...a theme for the next year. I usually don't make a New Year's resolution, but maybe I should even though it's already 2 weeks into the year. I think I'm going to being a "yes [wo]man". For those who haven't seen the movie "Yes, man", it is a story about a very depressed and negative guy who goes to a seminar that forces him to say "yes" to anything. I'm definitely not going to get that crazy with it, but I want to use as a way to try more things in life...and try to be more positive.

I've also began teaching myself how to read tarot cards so I want to update on that as well...maybe a tarot journal. Meaning I will post what my cards predicted for that day and what really happened. Evidently this helps you learn how to read them. We'll see. So that's it for now!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Anxiety in children is originally nothing other than an expression of the fact they are feeling the loss of the person they love.

2008-12-08T21:32:00.000-08:00

Wow, I don't even know where to begin. Since that faithful night in March when Mowgli took a shit on my heart, I haven't felt like writing. It's sad that someone like that could unmotivate me in so many ways. But it happened. Really the only reason why I decided to begin writing again, was because of a boy! I'm a sick sick individual. Why am I so crazy?

Well, it's because I had an extremely tragic childhood. Without getting into detail, I was abandoned and hurt numerous times by several parental figures in many different ways. The title to this blog is a quote from Freud. He was a wise individual. I say that because I have re-created my childhood into my adult life secondary to all these past experiences. I have serious anxiety and it is almost always in relation to a guy. I get obsessed with someone and I make sure I fuck it up some how OR I start talking to someone that I know is unavailable and hope that something will come of it.

In my right mind, I know that makes no sense and I need to just chill... but I can't. I can't stop wondering what the other person is thinking, feeling and wanting. Now here is were I really mess it up. I let them know that I am interested and everything I'm thinking, feeling and wanting at any given moment. I try to hold back but then I get obsessed just thinking about all the possible outcomes. Did I mention I'm crazy? (F.Y.I. I'm on anxiety medication, which helps...that seems funny to say after all that I just wrote. But it use to be much much worse.)

So I guess I should begin with the new guy....who's pretty much already gone but I can't seem to drop it. I met Faris Bueller at the end of Sept. after a bunch of people from work went to a Dodger's game. We hit up a local sports bar and it was packed. When I got there all my friends were posted up by the door, eventually we began taking over tables. Bueller was at one of these tables with two other guys. I saw him right away and thought he was pretty hot. But considering I was looking my usual mediocre self, I didn't want to start talking to him or flirting. Good thing his friends started talking to us and we found out we had a lot in common. They were all from Texas and were here working at Kaiser Sunset (right across the street from my hospital). It was a strange coincidence. So yadda yadda yadda, we all end up hanging out, drinking, talking etc. At some point, my sister and I mention we are leaving to go out to a club. Bueller asks if he can come with us because he hadn't been out to a club in LA yet. He and I exchange numbers (which I was surprised by because I thought he was interested in my sister at that point). We both go home to change and he kept texting me to meet up because we were both ready and my sister and her friend were taking a long ass time. So I finally agreed to meet up with him at a local bar, while we waited for my sister and her friend to get into the club. Well we ended up staying at this bar the whole night, talking, drinking and having a great time. I thought we were both flirting with each other but at the end of the night he wouldn't kiss me. I tried, he said something about how I said I didn't have any guy friends...

We discussed it and we both thought it would be pointless to start something especially when he doesn't live in LA. His job can put him anywhere in a given week. This coupled with some drama he's going through in life made me feel like I shouldn't bother trying to make a relationship. The problem began when we started meeting up a few times a week to go to bars. His assignment ended up keeping him in LA for over a month. I saw signs that probably weren't there. I read in between the line when he would send me a text. When we were together, I felt the most comfortable I have ever felt in my life. A feeling of not being judged in any way, of being cared for and thought about. Yes, I'm sure I've said this before....but it did feel different, in a way I can't really explain. But then again, he's leaving... I can't possibly suggest to him that we try to keep talking when he leaves! It's only been a month. But wait.....can I?

Oh of course I can! We discussed our feelings on the whole situation we're in, which made me realize that I like him way more than he does me. I told him I thought I liked him, which he responded "I definitely enjoy your company". OOOHHHH BURN! But even after all that, he would still want to hang out with me. He even went to Arizona for a week and we talked during the week. He came back to LA that next week and we went to a Laker's game together. I've told many a people about him and from little things I've heard him say, I thought he talked about me with his friends.... who's to know.

It's just weird, I've had the most fun in LA the past few months hanging out with him than I have in a long long time. My psychiatrist (yes i have one, I'm crazy remember?), my friends and my mom all told me to just be straight forward with it. My psychiatrist (who's a guy) even told me to invite him to Thanksgiving! I couldn't do it thought. That's much. Instead, I invited him to my work Holiday Party. He said he would look into it, but evidently he couldn't do it. I can't tell if he's just busy, ignoring me or actively seeking to get me off his nuts. So as a last ditch effort to see what this was all about, I decided I would do an email exchange (he's told me before he likes to write, figured we could get to know each other better). He has yet to respond to me, instead he wrote a mass email to his friends and family... including me, whenever he accidental left his phone in TX. I ended up taking to him on the phone later and he even said he wrote "that email to everyone that I knew I needed to talk to this week". Should I take that as a sign that he wants to get to know me better? AHHH, again with the wondering.

SOO as a way to clear my mind, I have written this blog. In a way, it's to Bueller himself. So he can see how demented I really am and finally delete my number. Or he will finally come to his senses and decide that maybe he likes me more than he'd like to admit and he's afraid of the situation.... he's willing to see where it all goes and save me from myself! OR I'm fucking insane and he won't read this, I'm writing all my personal business for all the world to see and I'm back where I started... Anxious.

Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy

2008-03-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

I'm in love with this song by Ciara right now, because it just echos what I feel right now.

Like A Boy

Pull up your pants
(Just Like Em')
Take out the trash
(Just Like Em')
getting ya cash like em'
Fast like em'
Girl you outta act like ya dig
(What I'm talkin' bout')
Security codes on everything
Vibrate so your phone don't ever ring
(Joint Account)
And another one he don't know about

Wish we could switch up the roles
And I could be that...
Tell you I love you
But when you call I never get back
Would you ask them questions like me?...
Like where you be at?
Cause I'm out 4 in the morning
On the corner rolling
Doing my own thing
Oh

What if I?...
Had a thing on the side?
Made ya cry?
Would the rules change up?...
Or would they still apply?...
If I played you like a toy?...
Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy

Girl go head and be...
(Just Like Em')
Go run the streets
(Just Like Em')
come home late say sleep like em'
Creep like em'
Front with ya friends
Act hard when you're with em' like em'
(What)
Keep a straight face when ya tell a lie
Always keep an air-tight alibi
(Keep Him In The Dark)
What he don't know won't break his hear

Wish we could switch up the roles
And I could be that...
Tell you I love you
But when you call I never get back
Would you ask them questions like me?...
Like where you be at?
Cause I'm out 4 in the morning
On the corner rolling
Doing my own thing
Yea

What if I?...
Had a thing on the side?
Made ya cry?
Would the rules change up?...
Or would they still apply?...
If I played you like a toy?...
Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy

So it's been a little while and much has occurred. I wanted to write the week it happened, but I couldn't even believe it and I was extremely busy with school that I couldn't even comprehend how fucked up I thought it was. SOO... what happened you might be asking yourself?

About 3 weeks ago, I went to Mowgli's going away party at the Standard downtown with my sister (whom he told me I should bring). We were going to see The Color Purple musical beforehand, so I had to dress up. I wore this dress I had worn to my work xmas party from '06, that Mowgli had said was what had caught his eye on facebook. "I had to talk to the girl with that dress" - is what he said. I wore my favorite perfume, that he always liked. I was a little sad that he was leaving, but excited about at least sending him off. I assumed we'd spend the night together and I had asked before, and he said maybe. I took that as a silly, sarcastic thing and even joked back with him, like "maybe I'll come by then". Anyhow, we're at the Standard, my sister and I don't know any of his other friends so we go eat in the restaurant downstairs to kill a little time and we were starving. Some homeless guy comes in, starts acting crazy and yelling about how he's not leaving until they arrest him. When security and the bar managers try to escort him out, he starts punching himself in the face over and over!!! It was nuts, but the rooftop bar manager said he'd buy us drinks for our "distress", haha. So we're drinking, I'm sleepy. I haven't seen Mowgli in a little while, so I call him, he comes find me. My sister is chit-chatting with the bar manager guy and Mowgli is kissing me, asking me if I'm going to visit him and that he'll come visit me in August when he comes back to visit. I'm sure I had a goofy grin on my face, cause I was eating this bullshit up. One of his friends kept come up and trying to get him to go somewhere with her and he kept saying no. So after him making me feel all special and that he actually cares a little bit about me, I ask if he wants to spend the night together. His response: "I don't know about that". Hum.... I ask why. He says, "Well, you know that girl over there (he points to his "friend" that kept coming over through out conversation)? I've been dating her for about a month and a half." WOW! Luckily I was sorta drunk and just didn't really absorb what he said. I really couldn't wrap my head around the fact that this was really happening and right in front of everyone, including my sister! I ask him why he would do that and invite the two girls he's dating to the same party, when we obviously don't know about each other. He just kept saying that he wanted to see me before he left and that he was still there talking to me, even though she kept trying to take him away and that he wasn't answering his phone when she was calling. I wasn't sure how that was supposed to make me feel better that the guy that I've been talking to for almost a year, that I trusted, and cared for didn't have ANY respect for me to not pull some shit like that and ESPECIALLY in front of my sister. It didn't bother me that he was seeing someone else, but it really bothered me that he even invited me to his going away party without saying anything before about dating someone else, knowing that I would want to spend the night with him, and then waiting till after he told me all these lies about how much he cared for me, to be like "oh by the way..." I really couldn't even argue with him, I was so angry that I knew I'd be making a scene and I didn't want to do that, because then my sister would start backing me up and I'm sure we'd get kicked out of that place.

The other girl finally got him to go talk to her, and I guess he told her whatever but she didn't seem to care that he was kissing me like 30 minutes before as she was watching it, because right when the bar closed (ya we stayed cause the bar manager kept bring me drinks and I felt like they were deserved at that point)they walked right pasted me holding hands and he said "I'm just getting my card". I laughed,cause he was such a dick and that girl was ok with it. My sister and I left. (I probably went up to them and said some shit like "it's ok, you can have him", it would have probably make me feel vindicated somehow) The next morning, I realized how angry I was about that whole situation and told him that.
I said "I shouldn't let you believe I'm ok with what you did last night, because I'm not even close to being ok with that. I hope it was worth it".
Mowgli: "It's all worth it for me. Life is very short. Enjoy it while you can. You are still special enough to me to have known it might have turned out this way."
Me: "Ya life is short but you'll see one day how the way you treat other people will come back. Like I said it's not about you seeing someone else, its that you didn't have enough respect for me to do it in a different way. I just think you should think about how your actions affect other people... your life is not just about you."

And I never heard a thing back. That's how special I am to him. And even now as I write this, it makes me angry. I know I shouldn't be, because I knew he was a douchbag all along, but he kept making me think there was something there between us, something that I've wanted for a while, but he just couldn't give me what I wanted and I knew that. I obviously was seeing other people, but I would have NEVER had Mowgli meet N.W.A., Asian mike, or even The-Ex. I mean what the fuck!! It made it worst that I was cuter than her... or so I think. haha.

Mowgli, is deleted. I don't think he will ever understand how much that hurt me and it came at the worst time. That happened on a Sunday night. And that entire week, I had paper, after project, after presentation that had to be done. I was angry and stressed, which for me, leads to anxiety attacks. I had chest pain for two days with normal EKGs. I just knew it was anxiety induced, so I decided to start taking anti-anxiety medication again. Some would say that's stupid to take medications for things like that, but I know it helps me more than I can. I took them for a year after The-Ex and I broke up and my arthritis got so out of hand. I figure it's better for me to start now, hopefully not worry about doucheface Mowgli anymore and reduce my stress so I don't get any arthritis flare-ups.

So now, I'm feeling a little bit better about that situation. And then I did something sorta stupid, or good I'm not sure yet. I had a dream about N.W.A. and it made me feel like I should talk to him again. So I send him a message on myspace and we've been talking since. I know what you're saying, and yes, it's definitely a rebound!! But we really discussed alot of the shit that was bothering me about him, namely the whole "I hate white people" thing. And he really explained himself and showed me that maybe I was taking his jokes a little too seriously. When he put it that way, as well as describing it as if it were the chappelle show. I definitely got it, because i do that too!! I guess I always make it seem like a joke, with a laugh or something, when he just kinda says it. I dunno, though. But I think my battered ego is just wanting someone that is more loving than Mowgli, towards me. I guess I need it. I'm not sure if it will be helpful or hurtful in the long run, but for now it helps. And I'm gonna keep doing it!

Well, I'm done talking now. I just had to put that up because a friend was asking about it. So it's there. When I feel more up to it, I'll write about something less depressing. Oh wait, no I won't. haha. This is a great spring break!

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands.

2008-02-18T11:35:00.000-08:00

Ah so this year started off pretty good... and I guess it's not horrible yet, just very stressful.

School is just back to back work, test, assignments, and projects. I feel overwhelmed... so much so that I don't even know where to begin half the time. I should have been studying all weekend for this Patho test that I have tomorrow, but you see I'm slacking off.

The reason why I decided to post today was because I've been frustrated. Frustrated with boys. I'm really always frustrated with the male species but every so often I feel like things are coming together and then I get bitch slapped.

So about 3 weeks ago, I met a new guy. My sister had a guy from her work come and help us move. I'm gonna call him N.W.A. cause after hanging out with him I realized he has some race issues, which I'll discuss later. We picked him up and I instantly wished that I had at least taken a shower before we did. He was so fine. Yum. Mulatto, hot body, beautiful smile. As he was helping us move, we were flirty but not anything too serious, more like slightly argumentative cause he kept talking shit and you know I don't take that. We all ended up hanging out after moving, ate dinner, watched some tv. Whenever we were driving him home, he just up and says "So Bianca, can I get your number?" I was thrown of guard, cause not only did I look like a hot mess all day, he was asking in front of my sister and I wasn't sure he was asking asking or just wanted to be friends. So I'm sitting there like.. "umm, huh? what?". So NOW, it's weird in the car. My sister says "he was just trying to be nice" and he said "what if i'm not? What if I'm trying to ask her out?" OHH, ya so now I don't know how to give him my number cause I just shot him down without meaning to.

Well we drop him off and then the next day I see he wrote me a message on myspace about the whole thing. Saying that he was bummed that he asked for my number and got nothing. I wrote back, gave him my number and we chit-chatted via text for a bit. He asks me out on a date, I accept. THEN my sister tells me a story about him. Evidently, he was talking to a girl they both work with and things didn't turn out so well... she was leaving and got lost in his apartment complex and then he wouldn't answer the phone, the door or her texts. She eventually got out but when he did respond he said some fucked up shit like (not exact quote) "Here's a funny story... this guy slaves over a stove to make this girl a delicious meal and she, who came over late night should have assumed she was going to give it up, didn't give it up at all. So the guy told her to take the wrong elevator, turned off his phone and the girl got stuck in the garage. Hilarious." Ya, I know I probably should have stopped talking to this fool then, but I let him tell me his side of the story because if I stopped talking to every guy that was an asshole to a girl one time because she didn't fuck him, then I probably wouldn't have too many options. His side of the story was similar but he portrayed her as more of a sexual aggressor (like she asked to lay in bed, started grinding on him, etc). Then she abruptly stopped when it got to the fucking part. NOW, I know a girl has every right to say no whenever she wants, but I'm also aware that if you get to that point and say stop the guy has every right to be mad.

And I guess since I was having fun with him and we had already discussed that we wouldn't be fucking anytime soon, it didn't bother me. We've hung out a couple other times since, spent the night together and all that. He was very sweet and caring. Gave me massages, strokes my head when we're sitting together, wants to hold my hand or hold me. I dunno I guess I miss that, especially since Mowgli doesn't do that at all. He is a little racist against white people, which can be really annoying to me. But then again, most black men are racists towards white people. But again, I didn't want to judge him on that. THEN, last night. We met up at a sports bar with some of my friends to watch the All-Star game. I thought everything was cool. We were joking, flirty, holding hands, kissing, etc. Chill. He asked me to drop of the girls and come to his place later, but I didn't drive so I had to wait till they all wanted to leave, get my car and go to his place. He hangs out for a little bit after the game was over but he said he wanted to go home. So after he leaves, I realize that we didn't confirm the hanging out afterwards thing. I text him, asking if he still wanted to hang out later. So this is the back and forth convo:

N.W.A: Told you, I don't do white girls :-p
Me: Oh ok have a good night then, and i thought I was black according to you (he said something along the lines of if you're mixed, you're black)
N.W.A: Who you are is not determined by me, sweetheart, its just my opinion of you. It seems however you've been brainwashed into thinking you're white by all the fuckin treatment you've received in the past. I ain't at it, i'm kidding with ya... but still.
Me: Haha I'm neither black nor white, I'm both equally. And I'm not nearly brainwashed, I know and love both my cultures. U want to see me or not? I need answers
N.W.A.: I don't enjoy squabbling. I'll see you some other time. You missed the opportunity when i put it out there originally. Fortune cookie say: don't be an ass, give an ass.
Me: I said I rode with someone else you didn't give me an opportunity besides that. I wanted to see you this whole weekend and if you don't see that then I dunno what else I can do.
N.W.A.: Don't play mind games B. Drop the ego. When I asked you to come over, all you had to say was "ok, after I get home I'll come over" But you and that attitude had to fuck it up, like you have to have the upper hand or some shit. I like chill women, not someone tryna mind fuck me. I've said how I feel and you aren't clear about your feelings. I feel like you have baggage and thats where all this comes from. Whether a past bf or whatev, I don't need that shit. Be straight up, cuz women that project their bullshit into my life, their bad energy into my positive flow, aint' worth it to me.
Me: Whatever you know i like you and I want to spend time with you. No games here. If you can't tell after i'm sitting here kissing you in public, touching you, flirting with you and telling you straight up I want to see you then waht else can I do?
N.W.A: B, are you cool with us being tight but not "together"? fuckin, but not bf/gf?
Me: Ya for now, but like I said if its not gonna be an option eventually then no
N.W.A.: Like you said, then we shouldn't even start. no offense towards you, but I have a fierce no relationship policy"

Then it goes on about how he's fucking stupid for asking me to keep hanging out when I had told him a few days before this same thing. I told him that if it's not going to be an option then don't talk to me anymore. He said he would think about it, so then two days later he wants to hang out. TO ME, that means "I thought about it, it can be an option, I want to see you and find out what happens". I guess that's not the case. And evidently I'm the one who's not clear about my feelings. Interesting.

So I asked if we were done.. he says yes. NOW i'm not sure if he's saying yes to "we're done talking about this" or "we're done seeing each other"... I meant it as are we done seeing each other. but whatever, I was too drunk last night to keep talking on text. I figure if he was just saying that we were done with the conversation, then he'll hit me up later. IF not, then I don't really care. I like him and all but evidently he's not on the same page as me in terms of dating.

AND I forgot one great part, on Valentine's Day, I had asked what he was doing the day before, seeing what time he got off work etc. He never responded. On v-day, he tells me that he's going on a date. OHH stab into the heart. Not like I can have claim on him, seeing as we've only been talking for like 2 wks and I'm sorta back and forth with Mowgli and L'Uomo alto was still in the picture. But damn, lie to a bitch. But it was ok, cause I got to go to the NAACP Image Awards and the after party. Got to rub elbows with some powerful black people. Saw Stevie Wonder up close and personal. I'll work on uploading the pics.

So I guess that's it for him. I think I'm slightly retarded for even worrying about it but sometimes I question what's wrong with me and what's wrong with my judgment that I always attract and want guys who are dicks. Who knows.

Updates: Mowgli, dunno. Haven't talked to him in 3 wks. Not too worried about it. Don't really care anymore. L'Uomo Alto: was driving me crazy. With all this hecticness, he kept asking me out and the more he asked, the more disinterested I got. i think it had something to do with me not having an initial physical attraction but i'm not sure. Either way, he started trippin about how I didn't give him a fair chance and that we could have been perfect for each other. Then he all of a sudden has a date on V-day that he's all about.....interesting seeing as it was only 4 days after i told him i didn't want to date him. Guys are fucking stupid and heartless sometimes.

Here's a great quote I found too:
"Men are confused. They're conflicted. They want a woman who's their intellectual equal, but they're afraid of women like that. They want a woman they can dominate, but then they hate her for being weak. It's an ambivalence that goes back to a man's relationship with his mother. Source of his life, center of his universe, object of both his fear and his love."

I think that's it...and even if it's not, i gotta go to the gym. So whatever, TOOTLES.

Was it good for you?.... I've had better

2008-01-18T18:49:00.000-08:00

Ah so a new year, a new beginning right? Actually, I think it may be working out like that after all. It feels weird to think that it could be different, but it's starting to look like that. Maybe it's my attitude towards the new year and my new years resolution, which was to meet more people, go on more dates even if it's not someone I wouldn't normal go out with, etc.

So far I've been on one date with a guy I met around Halloween at Opera, we'll call him Dr. Ahmad. He just came up to me all crazy like, drunk, but he was funny. So I kept talking to him even though my friends had already run away. He gave me his number, I took it with no intentions of calling him but I ended up doing just that about a month later. We chit-chatted occasionally, but when he called me while I was in Oklahoma over New Years he made me feel all special. He said he wanted to be my sugar daddy which for a girl is pretty nice. Haha. j/k I'm not like that at all. Anyhow, we went out about 2 weeks ago now. He picked me up, took me to my favorite restaurant (Gyu-kaku)and it was ok. Ya just ok. It's weird, I feel like every guy I meet has to be fucked up (either drunk, high or both) for us to hang out. He wasn't drunk when he picked me up, but he really wanted to get drunk at the restaurant. He kept wanting me to take shots, he ordered a bottle of sake and mojitos. He didn't understand that I really don't drink and especially not that much. Eventually I gave up the arguing about not wanting to drink and just let him order the shit. Then next thing you know, as I'm sipping the Sake, he's taking shots of it.... should be an interesting drive home, huh? He also was trying too hard to impress me by ordering a ton of food, which before we even ordered I told him I don't eat much in a sitting. BUT NOOOO, he had to order a family thing that feeds like 3-5 people. Um ya, I can't eat that much. Luckily, I love Gyu-kaku and I love it to-go as well. After dinner, he wants to go to a bar, but it's Sunday and not much is crackin' off. He decides we should just go get a BOTTLE of vodka and go back to his place. By this point, I just wasn't sure if I wanted to be trapped at his place. He's funny and all, but I wasn't too physically attracted to him. Then I remembered my stupid New Year's resolution and said ok. We go to his place. Have a drink, talk, etc. He's really funny so that was a plus. But when he wanted to make out, I did it, but it was like making out with a friend. No spark. No nothing. He said he wanted to go out again, I said ya me too... but I really didn't care either way. I guess if he asks again, I'll go but I'm not holding my breath for that one.

Now, I'm trying to figure out the new guy, we'll call him L'Uomo Alto. He found me on facebook, evidently searching out his perfect girl and guess who popped up first on the list? Yup, that's right... me. That's already a hard role to fill but it gets even weirder than that. We have very similar personalities, including sarcasm and bluntness, and we have similar background stories. He's also a huge fan of my stupid blog that I was sure was only for my benefit. By fan, I mean he reads them more than I do and can remember what the fuck I wrote, even though I can't. So what does that mean? It's destiny and we're meant to be together forever? I actually have no idea. I guess I would like to believe that it's that perfect, but I'm crazy and pessimistic. Which means I'm gonna fuck it up. But the story is... so far this: L'uomo alto really wanted to get to know me so we exchanged some messages via facebook, but it wasn't good enough for him. So we tried AIM, which didn't work out so well because he was using some weird version or whatever. We didn't talk for a little while and when I got back from Oklahoma he had sent me a message on facebook saying that he wanted to get to know me and that we should exchange numbers. I said no, and then 5 mins later remembered this damn resolution and sent him a text. We've probably talked every day since, great conversations. We'll talk for hours, it's like I'm 15 again and it makes me feel giddy... like just maybe this time I met someone who's nice and wants to see me, not like Mowgli. And I feel like I deserve all that and I want that. But then it happens and I run away. L'uomo alto sends me texts about how beautiful I am, calls me and leaves messages saying he just wanted to hear my voice. It weirds me out cause I've only begun talking to him a week ago. A couple of nights ago, my friend Melanie and I went to his house to have a drink. Granted this is the first time I met him in person but he was cool except he also was fucked up before we got there which made me feel weird about the situation. I think he was nervous too cause it was slightly uncomfortable until we all had a drink and started to watch George Lopez standup. The thing that really bothered me was right when we were about to leave Mel went to the bathroom and he asked me if he passed. I mean even if he didn't, it's hard to tell someone right then if you did or not. But I said yes, which I meant... but I wasn't real sure, I just was sure that he wasn't completely X'd out. Then as Mel and I were walking out the door, he said he'd walk us out and he asked her if he passed the friend test. I was like "she doesn't matter". I didn't mean for it to sound like that, but really she doesn't in that regard. She can love you, but if I don't... I don't. Since then, we've sorta talked, but I've also been working three 12hr shifts in a row and I can't seem to get to bed early enough to wake up at 5am and be ok, so we haven't talked for hours like before. I think I'm being a little standoff-ish because I feel really pressured to like him. I feel like it's old-BU guy again (from last Jan.) and I don't want to hurt a nice guy.. but damn, I don't really want someone who's soo nice they're a little bitch. Of course I've told him all this, but I'm trying very hard not to dismiss him just because of that. Maybe I need to start being able to accept that someone can be nice and not a push over, or that they're genuine. I think I need an asshole around to show me that having a nice guy is exactly what I need and I shouldn't be afraid of it.

Where's Mowgli when you need his ass? Oh ya, he's moving... I dunno if I mentioned that. I haven't talked to him in weeks and it doesn't really bother me. I mean, I really thought I liked him and I hoped he would be willing to see where it all went, but he didn't care. He's too busy for me because he obviously doesn't like me and he doesn't care to make the time. I get it now and I'm ok with it. It's like the revelation I had when I first saw the Ex in over 2 yrs. Like, "eh, guess I'm over it". Funny though, both are guys that if they really wanted to be with me and were willing to work on it, I'd probably date them again (well Mowgli would be for the first time, but you know). SO I went from 2 guys that could care less about seeing me or being with me, to two guys that are all about me. It's sorta disheartening like I'm really never going to be happy because either I have no idea what I want, what I want doesn't exist, or only guys who are dicks or bitches (maybe not that extreme) like me.

What to do? I guess there is always The Hands, who is my masseuse and occasional bedmate. Too bad I'm not interested in dating him in the slightest but it works out well because I get sex and a companion just when I want it. Maybe I should just buy some male escorts. That actually doesn't sound like a horrible idea except for they're way too expensive out in LA. I wonder if I could find a struggling male model or something...

I guess I should do a brief update on my trip home and school,etc. Oklahoma well, it's Oklahoma. I met up with my trainer (he's also from OKC) one night. But he didn't stay too long cause he needed to be at the airport butt ass early in the morning. Anyhow I was in OKC for 10 days, I went out 3 or 4 nights, only got drunk 1 night, got sick 3 days into the trip, was in bed by 2am on New Years Eve, had no NYE kiss. I got asked out on a date by this guy I made out with once a few years ago, actually he really harassed me about going out, just had to go on this date with me, he even sent me a text at 3am the night he asked to remind me to let him know what day I was free, so I did the next day and then never called or texted back to figure out when and where. Bitch. The Hands was trying to get some ass one night too, but I was sick and didn't feel like it. Wait, did I just say I didn't feel like hooking up? I think that's the first time I've ever not wanted to.... ya really it has to be. I saw the Ex briefly... he's doing well. No real news on that front. Asian Mike was all over my ass too. But he wanted me to figure out how to meet him in Norman so we could fool around at 2am... and even though he's cute, I guess the fact that he can't even hit me up when we're in LA to hang out made me less interested in figuring out how to see him in OKC. Besides all that, I only got to see a few friends briefly, noone was too interested in picking me up and if they were, I was too sick to want to go anywhere. The family is good. As much as my mother drives me crazy, I wish the whole family were in LA so I could see them, my mom could make me food and I'd still have the lovely weather. It sucked that once I got off the plan my arthritis started acting crazy and I haven't been right since.

SO that's about it. School is going to kill me this quarter so don't hold your breath for too many updates in the next 8 weeks. But at least you have this novel to read.

I will never understand you, when will I stop trying?

2007-12-24T01:14:00.000-08:00

Oh boy... so much to say and really nothing new at all.

I finished finals almost 2 weeks ago. I did pretty well, for not trying hardly at all. I got about a 3.5 gpa, right now... I think. Whatever it is, it's above 3.0 and that's all that really matters. I start school back up the second week of January. i'm not at all excitied about it. It's going to be ridiculously hard.

Trying to find a place to live. My sister and I want to move into a house, but LA is crazy and expensive so we'll see where we get. It doesn't help that we want to stay in the Hollywood, Weho, Mid-Wilshire, etc. areas.

Nothing new in the relem of my arthritis. Same gimpy hands.

Nothing really exciting when it comes to exercising except I'm tired of hearing people tell me I'm skinny. Ya I know, shocker! It's just weird to hear because I'm not that skinny. I have lost about 10lbs since I began with my trainer, mostly because I haven't changed my diet as much as I should. But the crazier thing is, I'm not back to my normal weight (before the 'roids). I don't feel skinny, maybe just thinner than before. Either way, i can tell I'm more toned, especially my arms and my legs a little. Surprisingly, I can do push-ups now! Not too many and they're slightly modified, but I haven't been able to do a push-up since I was 17!

And last but not least is... BOYS! It's always about boys. Right now, I just can't even take my mind off of them. When I'm at the gym, I'm always checking out someone like I haven't eaten in 2 weeks and the guy was a slab of ribs with extra BBQ sauce. Seriously, drooling. It doesn't help that I work out in Hollywood and there are always celebs or reality show peeps that are hotter than hell there. Recently, I saw Brett from VH1's America's Most Smartest Model. God damn, that boy is fine. Tall. big ass arms. Beautiful smile. My trainer had to snap me out of staring a few times. That's pretty bad, huh?

The latest on Mowgli: He's a fuck face. I'm sure based on my rants alone most people thought he was a douchebag from the get-go...and ya, I guess I did too. But I think I always wish there was a good side to people. It's weird cause I feel like sometimes maybe he does have one. But he shows it to me at a distance. So here's what happened. About a week ago, he finally hit me up on AIM. It had probably been a couple of weeeks since we talked. I had already deleted him from my phone and AIM at this point. He tells me he's moving to NYC in 2 months! So I figure what the hell, I might as well tell him exactly what I've wanted to for a while. So I tell him that I like him, but he gets on my nerves because he never wants to hang out etc. He basically says that he doesn't have time to make plans with people, blah blah blah, cause of work, yadda yadda yadda, but he likes me and he has thought about dating me but he tries to make it sound like he doesn't want to date anyone because it's a '"defense mechanism" - trying not to give in'. So based on this conversation, he makes it sound like he at least wants to hang out some before he's going to leave. We talk on the phone a few days later, I ask if he wants to hang out this weekend. He says he's not free Friday but wanted to go ice skating Saturday. So that's the plan. Friday comes and I send him a text asking when he wants to go ice skating the next day. Nothing. I resend it and he says he can't go tomorrow, because he has a family thing he has to go to. But maybe after his thing Friday night we could hang out. And I never hear from him again. I sent a couple of texts and called, never responded, never answered the phone, never called back.... SO it's confirmed that I'm a retard for believing that he wanted more than what it is now. I obviously knew a while ago, but he keeps fucking with my head by telling me that he's afraid or whatever... or implying that he likes me. But you know, actions speak louder than words....and I guess I should just see it for what it is. If he really liked me, work wouldn't be an issue. If he wanted to see me, he'd make the time. None of this is true and I guess I finally got the hint. And it comes at such a great time, because now I can go back to OKC for a while and not think about his stupid ass anymore. And the best part is, I can meet up with one of my guy friends who is also an ex-booty call, maybe for a rekindling of our past trysts (if he's single at the moment) but even if not, he always boost my ego. I wish I liked him in a more romantic way, cause he always lets me know how great and beautiful i am, when every guy I like makes me feel like a loser. Sometimes you just need that ego boost, especially when the guy you've liked for the past few months won't even give you the time of day.

This sorta brings me to The-Ex. We've been talking occasionally. Seems like my prediction came true and he's already dating someone else. He's a serial monogamist. Funny though, he basically said he needed someone to help sort out his life (not in those words... but that's my interpretation). That was funny because I realized that I used him to help me fix my problems, and it hurt our relationship because I was putting all of my happiness on him. I worry that's what he's doing now. But oh, well... I'm not dating him so I guess it's none of my business. Although, it reminded me that I need to be sure I'm not doing this with any new guys I date. Maybe I've been doing that to Mowgli, maybe that's why he's afraid. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I think it's time I accepted that Mowgli isn't a good fit for me, unless something drastically changes, which it isn't. I guess I need sow my wild oats and forget about relationships... maybe they're not for me.

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie.

2007-11-17T21:46:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is I'm wanting.
All these boys are taunting.
I feel I know which one I crave.
Want to tell, but I'm not that brave.
I fear he will say something too grave.
I should give up, but I am his slave.

I have thoughts that he feels the same.
But often wonder if it's part of the game.
The game I don't want to keep playing,
our happy moments keep me swaying.
Persistently ask God by praying,
"Why, oh why, do I keep staying?"

My head tells me he doesn't care.
My heart feels more there.
Maybe he's afraid of what it could be.
Is it possible he's as confused as me?
Or he wants to keep being free.
Maybe there is more than one she.

Got to stop doing all of this.
All I want is peaceful bliss,
A more frequent kiss.
He is who I always miss.
But to complicate it all,
done by a random call,
a boy who now causes an emotional brawl.
I know what I want or do I at all?
Wishing he will show me something small,
To show I'm not the only one to fall.

Only the second to get this far.
This poem is for you,
you know who you are.
Don't want to bid adieu,
but we're both scared of that old scar.

Let's no longer pretend,
just need it to mend.
Should we just be friends?
But fuck, I don't want it to end...

Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours

2007-11-04T02:59:00.000-08:00

So it's been a nice little while. SO we'll split it up into topics.

Arthritis: I had to get a pneumonia and flu vaccine the other day. Now the pneumonia vaccine arm hurts like a bitch. Oddly, it hurts more two days after the actually injection. I had to get them because 1. I have an auto-immune disease, 2. I'm a nurse and work with sick kids, 3. my doctor just started me on Enbrel. "Enbrel is a type of protein called a tumor necrosis factor (TNF) blocker that blocks the action of a substance your body's immune system makes called TNF." It's an injection I have to give myself every week. FUN! I still get to take Methotrexate, which in higher doses is used as Chemotherapy. The best part is as I'm correcting my arthritis, or preventing it from getting worse, I am loosing my hair and have a severely decreased immune system! Don't you love how medicine works?

Travel: I went to New Jersey a few weeks ago. A guy I went to BU with wanted to fly me out, and you can't really say no to that. Of course everyone kept saying he just wants to hook up. And I'm sure that was a likely motivation on his part. But I told him before he bought the ticket that he shouldn't buy it if he thinks we're going to hook up. He didn't blatantly try anything, but subtlety I thought maybe he was. Oh well. I had fun. It was a nice, relaxing time. I got to hang out with my old roommate, Winter, in Philly. Got to check out NYC. I actually did one of those double-decker bus tours. HAHA. Ate very well. And the best part was that I didn't pay for a thing! No, not really. I actually don't like it when guys pay for everything...it's nice but then it makes you feel like you own them something. But he really wouldn't let me pay, so I stopped fighting it. The most interesting part was a guy that I dated in OKC right before I moved to LA, lives in NYC and he would not stop calling/texting me about coming to see him for sex. I thought it was funny seeing as we never had sex and right before I left I wanted to and he denied me....funny how things change.

School: It's boring. I'm bored. I can hardly stay awake in class. I don't feel like I'm learning anything. If anything I feel like I'm wasting my time and wish I didn't have to be there. But my fucking arthritic self keeps me there, knowing that I might not be able to use my beautiful hands one day... and I'll be making $100K+/ yr. Maybe I can be some hot young guy's sugar momma. Hopefully a masseuse/chef/model.

Exercise: Even though I'm about the same weight in lbs, I'm looking nice. The people at work think I'm almost too skinny now. I hear the comments every time I go to work. It's funny cause even though I don't work out nearly as much as I used to and I don't eat as well as I was, I look better than I did. I'm not sure if that's cause my new trainer is better or what. But I will say I like him much better. 1. He never thought I should loose weight, just tone. So he's never measured me, weighted me, nothing. 2. He's not as strict about my diet. And if I told him I ate McDonald's, he wouldn't kill me or make me feel bad. 3. He's from Oklahoma. So that already makes him cool. 4. He's motivating not criticizing, even when I complain while I'm working out about how it hurts or I don't like it.

Boys: You all knew that I'd write something about boys....that's all I talk about, duh! Well, while Mowgli was running around the jungle, going on trips, working all the time, partying without asking me along, you know just general stuff that shows me that he was lying when he said he wanted to hang out more. I really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but with a lack of sex, lack of sleep, stress related to my arthritis,school, work etc, I've just been either emotional or extremely bitchy. My sister keeps saying I've been really mean recently. But I'm not sure if it's my fault that everyone is fucking stupid. So I will say that I was acting fairly crazy towards him recently, because I was pissed and hurt. I just don't get why people say things that they don't mean. So basically, he could never hang out with me but he'd go out with other people. Granted, these people could be work people, but still, if he actually wanted to hang out with me, he'd find some time. But on Halloween (which by the way, I was sort of Bettie Page) when he went from "maybe I'll come by" to "I'M STILL AT THE PARTY. PROB NOT." I realized that I'm a fucking idiot for still talking to this fool. I mean what am I getting out of it. We're not dating, we don't hang out, I can't even get a booty call out of him... it's silly. So instead I'm doing what every scorned girls does, goes out and gets some new ass. I mean.... Na, I'm just talking to new and old guys, seeing where it all goes. It's unfortunate that I always end up liking guys that I think are genuine and nice, and end up being douche bags. Maybe I bring it out of them. Not sure. ALSO! The guy I was seeing before Mowgli, the one on drugs, texted me while I was in NJ, wanting to talk. He apologized for his behavior, I guess he's in rehab now. And he said "You're one of the most amazing girls and will make someone very happy." I find this ironic/amusing because when I'm dating a guy they never think of me this way, it's only my best guy friends or exes that think I'm so great. It's very bittersweet for me to know that. I actually think every guy I've ever dated has said something along those lines after we broke up or stopped talking. Maybe it's a lie. Maybe you don't know what you have till it's gone...

But is it worth it?

2007-10-08T12:35:00.000-07:00

SO my horoscope recently has been very telling. A few weeks ago it said something like "if you like someone you should just be straight forward and tell them". Then it said "your relationship has been very one-sided recently." Now it's saying "Even though you wish it weren't this way, you can't help who you like. You're being drawn to someone inappropriate. But is it worth it?"

Hum, you know I don't even know. I think maybe the horoscope is right. Maybe it's not worth it. I thought things were going well cause Mowgli told me he thought we should get to know each other better. Score one for me! But then nothing really happened. I didn't talk to him for a few days... and then he didn't respond to some texts that I sent. I was pretty pissed. Then we didn't talk for a day or two. I woke up one morning and he had sent me a text just saying "hi". I realized he was leaving for a trip the next day, so I asked if he wanted to hang out that night. He basically said he had sent the message the night before because he wanted to hang out then, but he's not sure if he'll have time tonight. That's fine. Whatever. I asked him to just let me know by midnight if he's gonna want to hang out really late, because I didn't want to fall asleep early and have him want to hang out then. He sent me a message at like 1030pm saying he was down the street and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to hang out. So at 1230, i was getting tired, I sent a text asking if he would have free time. Nothing. Nothing in the morning. Nothing before he left on his trip. Nothing since. I feel like I'm playing some weird game with him, that just seems stupid.

I hardly ever get mad. But what really makes me mad is when people lie and when people aren't straight forward and honest. If he doesn't want to hang out more, then just say that. It's better than saying you do, but you don't. If you are too busy to hang out, tell me. If you're not sure till it's almost 4am, just throw a text my way saying "hey sorry, just got free time. I'll hit you up when I get back". or "hey i hate your fucking guts, you get on my nerves. leave me alone". Either will do. Why is it so hard for people to just be straight up? I had this problem with The Ex, he always told me he knew I'd rather just hear it from him what was going on, then being pissed off because you're lying, being distant, etc. But he still would continue to do it. I think I'm picking the wrong guys to be attracted to in the first place.

Do you remember this guy?
Well, when we were sorta talking at the end of last year, we exchanged some paintings and things. He sent me two photographs of him. One of him "handing" me a rose - in an artistic way. But I put them both in my bathroom. And I know this sounds weird, but I put them so that I could see them everytime I'm using the bathroom. It reminds me everytime I look at it that I'm an idiot. That I always fall for guys that I should never be with, that can't give me what I want and need...which I get made about later. These pictures remind me that he was the best guy I've ever met and the ONLY reason why it didn't work out was because I didn't feel sexually attracted to him. And I think every day, maybe who I'm sexually attracted to isn't who I should be emotionally attracted to. But do I really want to be someone I'm emotionally attracted to and not sexually? That doesn't seem like a fun relationship.

So what should I be going after? That is the question of the century.

Everything I'm Not, Made Me Everything I Am

2007-09-24T02:30:00.000-07:00

So I had an epiphany yesterday, which was : being me has made me happy and when I play games or hold back my emotions is when I get all sad. Even when being straight-forward or "saying too much" could potentially scare people away, I just gotta do what feels right for me. I got Kanye's new CD and this blog title is in one of the songs. It made me realize that I am not everyone else and I can't be worried about what I should do to be like how everyone "should be". THEN, I had a patient last night who up and passed out, came to our hospital with a severe head bleed and they weren't gonna come out of it. It's not often that we get these freak accidents were people just basically drop dead, but when they do, it's a lesson for everyone else that you have to live your life as if you were going to drop dead. SO when I feel stupid for saying how I feel, I have to remember it's better to let the person know how you feel rather than live with regret. It's better for me to scare someone away and get my thoughts/feelings off my chest than hold them in and cause worry/stress for myself. And in the long run, I know that if I die suddenly, everyone I know will know exactly how I feel about them regardless of how they feel about me. I know that everything I'm not, made me everything I am.... and I'm so okay with that. Hopefully, everyone else is too.

I Guess it's Bittersweet Poetry

2007-09-21T02:54:00.000-07:00

Leo: One of your relationships has been really one-sided lately, and you're fed
up. You need to share how you feel if you want things to change

This is what my current horoscope said....Ya I did that, I don't think anything is changing though....

They say I talk with so much emphasis, ooh they so sensitive

2007-09-21T01:58:00.000-07:00

So I got this comment from someone in reference to my last post.

Girl Girl Girl!!!!!I have been reading your blog for a lil' bit, and we need to have a sit down. So...sit down.Firstly, no man wants to date a girl with a blog about her man troubles. Mowgli and the rest of the Jungle Book aren't excited by the prospect of having their shit splattered on the Great Wide. Ya understand? You'd probably do better talking to the sick babies about your troubles.Secondly, is Hollywood the best place for you right now? It's a cruel world out there for gals, especially for a lady with your level of extreme codependent need for attention from the opposite sex. I just wanted to throw that out there. Be strong, stay off the blog, and live a little. The interent never helped nobody do nothing but masturbate.

I sorta agree with whoever this is. I find it interesting that they didn't say who they were. AND I find it really interesting that they've been reading my blog, but they feel like I shouldn't be writing it. Whatever. Here's my take on the whole thing.
1. I write this blog for myself and people I know. It helps me clear my mind, it's like a journal (duh!). My friends who read it, know me, they understand how I am. They've heard all this before, it's nothing new, just a different person. I know for a fact that my friends really enjoy reading what's going on in my head. I guess if Mowgli or whoever doesn't like it, fuck them. These are transient people in my life, the people who are there for me the most matter to me the most and when they decide that they hate me writing about them and their business, then I will. IF Mowgli or whoever I'm dating doesn't like it, they can just say that and I'd probably stop writing about them. At least I give them fake names, right?
2. You're right. No one wants to date a whiner (i.e. me). I know this, I don't think I can change it. Maybe I can, I just don't know how. I've had enough trauma in my life that affects me everyday (I'd write about but I hate when people feel sorry for me, if you want to know, I'll tell you). I know ALL my problems and I accept them all. I've been working on them for a while. That's all I can do. I'm like a drug addict, I have my moments of relapse but I'm pretty strong and can mentally work through my irrational behavior. I will say that unlike most girls, or people for that matter, I know my issues and I am very honest and open about who I am. I don't play games, I don't surprise people. Mowgli and I talked pretty openly about what I need out of guys before we even started doing anything. He knew my issues with the last guy I dated. I don't know what else I can do to put it all out there on the table. I feel like
if he didn't like what I said then, or what I've said in my blog since then, then he could just say that(he's pretty blunt too). The only problem he seems to have is that I talk about other guys in my blog. It's not like I want to, but when the guy you think you like won't give you the time of day, well then you gotta figure out something else.
3. Hollywood was never the right place for me. But sometimes in life you have to suck it up and go were you need to go. I wish the hospital I'm at now was in Boston, with the same people and everything. I love this hospital and that's what makes me want to stay in LA. Even though it's not helping my personal life. But at the same time, I've never been the person that dates someone right after dating someone else. I've been in this rut my whole life, I don't expect it to change because I change locations. It's obviously me.
4. They are right that I have a need for attention from the opposite sex, BUT it's only from those people I want attention from. Trust me, I don't want attention from any and every guy. Other wise I'd be dating everyone right now. I don't think it's a co-dependence rather than I need to be accepted and wanted by someone that I want. More of a lack of self-esteem, I suppose. I've lived 3 years without being in a relationship, if I was co-dependent, I would jump from relationship to relationship just because I needed someone. I think it's more like I feel like I have everything in life going as I want it to, except a romantic relationship. And you can go on and on for a while and it not really affect you, but then one day it just hits you that you're lonely. That you don't have that connection with someone to talk to, to just be comfortable with, to love and they feel the same way. That's where I'm at right now. It will pass and I'll be indifferent again. And then it will come back. It's a cycle. I think we all go through it. I am human. What's wrong with that?

When you dare to be vulnerable

2007-09-17T16:33:00.001-07:00

I can't shut up. I should have left well enough alone, but I always have more to say. Instead of just waiting for Mowgli to figure his shit out, I decided to explain myself. Which I suppose if he read this blog in the first place, he'd already know what was going on in my head. But I had to reiterate what was already said and discussed. I'm not sure if this is a girl thing or just some stupid thing I always have to do. But I've never been able to keep my thoughts and feelings contained for too long. Eventually they begin to drive me crazy that I just need answers and I need the other person to understand me. So I sent him an email explaining myself and how all I want is the opportunity to get to know him better. And I have yet to get a response. I guess I should have expected it, but it's a girl thing to wish for more. To hope that someone will surprise you and do the unexpected. Is it weird that in one regard, I'd love for him to be all about me and everything be hunky-dory (sp?) and in another hope that he just stops talking to me? It's really hard to put yourself out there and not have it reciprocated. And that's where I'm at now. The not knowing is fucking with me. If he was just like "ya, I don't think this is gonna work", it would be so much better than just waiting around for a response.

I'm sure some would say, " don't want for a response". And I would normally agree with that, but what if I go hook up with someone and then he decides to want to hang out more? I guess I shouldn't really be worried about that, it's not like we're dating nor does he seem to care that much at this point. Really the only reason why I'm stressing this is because I'm not doing anything else. I have 2 weeks off from school so I have a few weekdays to do nothing. Everyone else is at work and I'm just sitting here sulking. I tried to clean my room but I get a little done and then check my mail to see if he responded. Nope. No response. Oddly, he poked me on facebook. I'm guess it's a response to a poke I sent him a week ago +. SO what the fuck does that mean? Why am I so impatient right now? I need some drugs to help me calm the fuck down. Actually, I think I'm gonna get a massage and facial....that should help me clear my mind. I always find that once I stop thinking about someone they decide to think about me. Maybe it's time to stop worrying about this whole situation and just give up. Yes, give up....

ps. i get to meet my new trainer in an hour. Should be interesting. I kind wonder if my last trainer told the new guy that I'm switching trainers because he told me he liked me. And if not, if new guy asks, should I tell him? Dilemmas....

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love

2007-09-13T22:36:00.000-07:00

So I had an awkward day today. I was grocery shopping after the gym and my trainer called to set up next week's appointments. We got that squared away and he asks me if I want to hang out on Sunday. I tell him, I don't know because I work Thursday - Saturday night and depending on if I have an easy or rough weekend will determine if I want to do something or just sleep. He says something along the lines of "I only have that one day off, so I need to make plans if I'm going to make any." I tell him again, I'm not sure and I never make plans just in case I don't feel up to it, then I don't feel bad if I need to cancel.
Then he says, "So, you know I like you right?"
me - "umm, no not really"
him - "well, I just wanted to see if it was mutal. And I'm not one to hold back my feelings"
me - "umm, well I never thought about you in that way, seeing as your my trainer and I'm sorta seeing someone" (not sure if that's a lie or not yet... but it's less or more the truth)
him- "oh, what does sorta seeing someone me? like your dating or you're... nevermind. I guess there's a conflict of interest here. blah blah blah"
me- "well, there's a conflict of interest on your part, not mine"
him - "ok, I think we should just finish up the training sessions you have and then you can get another trainer if you want"
me - "do you think I should just change now?"
him - "if you think that's better, I can get you a new one"
me - " ya, i don't know. I'll have to let you know later. Bye"

SOOO how awkward is that. Now, I feel like I HAVE to change trainers and I almost want to make sure it's one that I can train with during the evening when he's not going to be there. Maybe I should get a girl trainer too. Fuck, I don't even know what to do.....

Wall around my heart

2007-09-13T00:33:00.000-07:00

I just can't seem to do anything right. I'm not going to get into exact details. But basically, I got to know a lot more about Mowgli, and it changed my thoughts about the situation. I feel like I have a greater understanding of where he's at, and I hope he understands me. I honestly think we're so similar, it's just weird. I still don't know for sure what I want, but I like the possibility. I dunno, this whole thing is hard for me. My mom told me when I was younger that "[I] will never been married and [I] will never be happy." And I've never been the same since. I've never been optimistic, I'm never satisfied with where I am in life, I'm never truly happy. I expect for good things to go bad and I think I help fulfill that prophecy. I'm sure it's my fault for letting those words take over and shape how I interact with people, especially love interests. But it's hard when it's your mom and your a kid. Anyhow, I found this poem thing (I actually, I have no idea if it's a song or a poem, but it says it's buy John Denver), and it just describes me soo well.

Wall Around My Heart

I've built this wall around my heart,
and slowly over time.
With every loss that I endure,
higher and higher it climbs.

A fortress shielding me from pain,
nobody can break through.
You met me at it's highest point,
this is so unfair to you.

My wall was built to hide the scars
not meant for you to see.
The memories of who I once was,
so innocent and free.

The hardened shell that I've become,
is all that you see now.
Afraid to let my guard come down,
do you dare to show me how.

Brick by brick
Stone by stone
If you tear it down
I won't be home

Are we more like one and the same,
both having been hurt too?
My armoured heart might just appear
all too familiar with you.

If you can comprehend the fear
of letting love begin.
Is it possible for you to use
these tools to break it in?

A chisel used to bare our souls,
ever gentle, piece by piece.
Carving out a brand new start,
old boundries soon will cease.

An axe to break away all doubt,
they slowly shall erase.
Crumbling all the lack of trust,
leaving only but a trace.

Brick by brick
Stone by stone
If you tear it down
I might be home

Have we damaged the foundation,
has the wall begun to shake?
Did we allow this change of balance
to give way for it to break?

The wall has started falling,
it's only now that we can breathe.
With our hearts so unprotected,
it's the love that we shall seize.

You have given me your trust
and so I shall do the same.
You have handed me the torch
to build a fire from it's flame.

Give in to this new life we seek,
face the fear and all the pain.
Knowing that deep down inside,
there is everything to gain.

Brick by brick
Stone by stone
If you tear it down
I will be home

Music makes pictures and often tells stories
All of it magic and all of it true
And all of the pictures and all of the stories
And all of the magic, the music, is you

Lonely is the soul without a mate

2007-09-08T23:29:00.000-07:00

I had a rough day today. I worked last night, got into bed at 10am. By 10:30, my sister calls me saying that our friend who was supposed to take her to the airport, isn't answering her phone anymore. SO being the big sister that I am, I picked her up and took her to the airport, by the time I dropped her off, it was 12 something. I figured I could get home and in bed by 1:30, giving me 3.5hrs of sleep before work, which already sounded horrible. Half way back home, my sister calls me via payphone to tell me she accidentally left her cell phone in my car and if I could return it. I really tried to say no, but damn I know she probably will need it. So I drove BACK to the airport. Mind you, traffic if horrible in all directions and I'm fucking tired which makes me very irritable. I drop of her phone and now I'm headed back home. I get home by 2:30pm, which if I fell asleep instantly, I would get 2.5hrs of sleep. That for me isn't enough to function, let alone care for sick & dying children. So I called off from work. Unforuntately, I couldn't sleep longer than 7:30pm and now I can't get to sleep. Sucks soo bad.

I also should be finishing a big paper and studying for 2 finals all on Monday, but instead I asked Mowgli what he was up to. No response. It's days like this that I wish I had someone to massage my back and put me to sleep. Had someone to do a couple of run throughs on my clinical final. Someone to make me dinner while I finish my paper. I think the more and more I dwell on what I don't have, I want it more. It's sorta making me crazy. I think I put up a decent front though, so Mowgli probably only knows I'm nuts when he reads this thing.... if he does. I have a weird feeling he does, but he's never said it. But if he does read it and still hangs out with me, as rare as that may be, then it's possible he doesn't think I'm totally insane.

I have been talking to a guy online for about 2 years now, Matt. He helps me with all my emotional issues. He's like my psychiatrist and I'm his, especially when it comes to romantic issues. I told him he needs to get a fuck buddy which he did. And he said that maybe Mowgli's "in the same boat as [him] (that boat being the SS Fucking Tired of Love and Emotion) and [I'd] be right to keep [my] feelings closed to complicated things (assuming what [I] ultimately want is cock)." Hum, but do I? I mean there is no denying I enjoy myself in that area and I enjoy it with him, but I don't usually get emotionally involved at all. Or if I do, I'm more stern about what I need and want and if they don't want to do that, then I just stop talking to them. If they don't call me back, I never call them again. I'm that serious. But I just can't quit him. haha I'm stupid.

I think I just need to go make out with this guy from Oklahoma (Asian Mike - who looks white) I know that lives out here. He's been hollering at me for a while, and we made out once. I just haven't really pushed it cause of Mowgli. Although, that sorta doesn't make sense cause I've hooked up with other people since I've been talking to Mowgli, I just think Asian Mike could be someone I would really like as well, and I don't need TWO hook ups to turn to emotional attachments especially at the same time. Then I really might go ape-shit crazy.

Anyhow, I'm actually feeling tired. Gotta take Lunatic (Luna- my dog) out and then night night.

(Side note: I can't wait to see Britney Spears fuck up at the VMA's tomorrow night)

I am nothing and should be everything.

2007-08-31T01:41:00.000-07:00

I'll start with updates and then move on to my mental demise.

Arthritis: I was a nurse at Camp Esperanza this year, it's a pediatric arthritis camp. I didn't do too much as a nurse, but I had a great time. We did horseback riding, archery, this terrifying cat walk thing and tubing at the lake. Unfortunately, once I got back to LA, I had a pretty decent arthritis flare-up in my hip. Ouch.

Boys: Mowgli, well I don't even know what to say at this point. Like I don't mind it being a causal hook up, but at the same time it's not frequent enough for my liking. I know he reads this so he knows exactly where my mind is, but I guess he doesn't really care to make it different. Which is fine, I guess. ha. I think the issue is with me. I don't know what I want. I think I'd like to date someone seriously, but I'm not sure it's him. Although, we hung out last Saturday night and it made me realize how comfortable I am with him. I haven't been that comfortable with a guy since my ex-bf, Chad, which is scary for me. My sister even asked me the next day "What's up with the casual thing? You guys act like you're dating already." The problem with dating him is that he's always busy, or maybe he just doesn't want to spend that much time with me... I'm not sure. But if he's like that now, and it doesn't seem to bother him, then I'm sure it won't change. I think one of the hardest lessons for a girl to learn is that you can't change anyone. I read the comment left on the last post, about how I should just ask straight, simple questions. I agree, I'm just afraid it will make him skittish about my intentions and then I won't even get the infrequent booty call, that keeps me from hoeing myself out on the streets. This guy I used to date told me to just give him an ultimatum, saying if we don't do it more then nothing. But then I get nothing! And that doesn't solve my underlying problem of being a self-restrained nympho. Oddly, I had the same problems with the ex Chad, I almost was begging for sex towards the end of our relationship. I just don't want to go there again.... or maybe I'm already there again. Fuck.

Exercise: I really fell off the training and eating well bandwagon. I've just been too busy. And if I have a moment off, I want to just sit and not do a thing. But then after hanging out with Mowgli Saturday, and he said he loved cheesecake. My sister just so happened to have gotten cheesecake from a bartending job she did. I had a couple of bites and tried to give him a bite, and he said "no, I have too much self control to eat it".(with no maliciousness towards me intended) "Wow, I'm a fat ass" is what I thought. I've had some serious "I'm ugly" moments recently and then it changed to "I'm fat". Yes, I know I'm not fat or ugly... but it's hard when you feel like you can't get a date, get the guy you've been sorta talking to even spend time with you, or even get let in to the clubs cause you looks a certain way. Those are pretty random events, but I just can't stop focusing on them. I'm crazy.But I think it has to do with having my sister here and everyone thinking she's soo hot, and she can just walk into clubs, guys buying her drinks, celebs wanting to talk to her and I'm the "ugly friend to the hot chick". Soo depressing.

School: So far so good. Except for having to do a breast exam on a 40 something y/o lady that is my class. Awkward. Luckily we don't have to do pelvic exams on each other, eww.

Mental well being and everything tied together: Recently, I've been in a foul-pissy mood. I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I am going to school full time during the weekdays, having to be at school at 8am. Then I work all night (7pm-730am) Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Which means, I can't ever go out, I have only one day off completely and I tend to use it to sleep, which means I have no time for things like laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning etc. BUT no one else will do it, so I have to make time. Yes, I have a roommate and my sister is staying with me, but neither one will clean unless I mention it. I don't want to be any one's mother. I'm just fed up, I mean what does it take for people to see a full trash and take it out rather than cramp one more thing into it. What does it take for someone to use one glass a day and just rinse it out between different drinks, instead of using a new glass every time you get a glass of water. What does it take for someone to load the dishwasher or even unload it! No no, it's ok Bianca will do it. I know some would say, you should just tell them... well I have, it doesn't seem to work unless I tell them every time something needs to be done, which is annoying. Some would say, just let it build up until someone else does it, but then I have to live in nastiness....just to prove a point. I don't know if I'm overreacting or having a mental breakdown, but I'm just done. Everything anyone does is annoying me. IF my roommate or sister even say something to me, I'm annoyed. It's like no one has common sense. Maybe I should live alone, but then I'd be lonely and possibly even more depressed. And my sister does take my dog out when I'm at work for 12hrs... but she's moving out soon anyways, so I guess it will be just me again. I think this with the lack of sexual gratification is making me angry. I shouldn't be angry, but I am. I can't switch my work schedule to days cause every female nurse on nights got knocked up, I can't quit school, my school schedule is sorta hard to work around if I were to try to get another job, I have no motivation to do anything besides punch people in the face. And by people, I mean people who are driving me crazy, which currently stands at Mowgli, sister, roommate (list still in progress). I'm just not happy right now, and the only way to vent is on here... I am lacking a confidant who can tell me I'm a nut job. That's probably one of the only things I miss about having a relationship, that and sex, obviously. Well, since I'm at work, I guess I should pretend to be working.

I've been to hell and back

2007-08-11T02:59:00.000-07:00

Ah what a rough past two weeks it's been. My birthday was sorta shitty. Mowgli ditched my ass for his friends. He couldn't even say happy birthday or give me a quickie. My co-worker, Kim, and I had planned to have a party together on the 28th. It was only me, Kim and her husband and another girl from work at dinner, everyone else boned out. Then Kim and I met a two other girls from work at a club, but I couldn't even stay long cause I had to pick my sister up from work. On my actual birthday (the 29th just in case you want to remember next year), I went to brunch with my sister and some gay guys and then the beach. I planned on going out later that night, but ended up sitting on my couch with nothing and no one to do. So I went to bed. woo woo.

I started my summer class, a pre-req for my masters. It's ok so far, but it's very fast paced. I had a paper due the 2nd day! Not only that, but I have to get up at 6am to get there on time and then work all night on the weekends. I've just been exhausted. The two days I have off every week is spent catching up on sleep and figuring out my finances for school. I did get Vocational Rehabilitation, it's a government program to help disabled people get back into the work place. Yes, I am already in the workplace, but since I have Arthritis, I have no idea how long I'll be able to use my hands. If that sounds depressing to you, how do you think I feel? So I might as well work with my mind rather than my hands. And why shouldn't I have the government pay for it? Especially when my school is wanting us to buy $700 oto-opthalmoscopes.

My trainer is mad at me because I've been slacking off at the gym. I pretty much have gone once a week the past 2 weeks. I just don't have much time and the time I do have, I don't want to spend at the gym. I want to watch tv, go to the beach, or drink. Actually, I'd rather get laid, but that's pretty unlikely at this point. It sucks that people who are really into fitness always find a way. So no matter what I say, he'll see it as an excuse. It sorta is an excuse, but they're good ones, damnit!

My head hurts bad tonight. I'm at work and it was a shitty night. I came into to chaos. My patients has been pooping her little brains out, then we had to go to CT scan, change all her dressing cause they had poop all over, fevers, decreased blood pressure, fluid boluses, etc. Everytime I wake her up she's crying. I fear she knows she's in a bad place, health wise. It's sad when kids begin to realize their own mortality.

Oh, I stopped taking my arthritis medication and I stopped vomiting all the time. But now I get joint pain. Ah what a fucked up catch 22.

I have no more to talk about really. But I want an opinion. Mowgli pretty much ignored me on my birthday, so I decided to just leave him alone. THEN he "pokes me" on facebook the other day. I didn't poke back right away, like the day after and I sent him an AIM message which he didn't respond to. Then he pokes me again today. I don't get it. Well I do. He's playing some game where he's trying to keep me around for when he wants to hook up, but he won't hook up when I want to. And homie don't play that. But why do that? It seems so silly. I wish I could be celibate.

Pregnant

2007-07-24T02:21:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been very vomitous (I don't think that's a word) and nauseated. Everyone thinks I'm pregnant. I think it's from the new medication I'm on. If I were pregnant it would be pretty close to a miracle, seeing as I've been on birth control since I was 17, always use condoms, don't have sex that much and I'm on some killer medication that would make my baby look like "Sloth" from "The Goonies". But since I've been on said medication, about a month, almost everything I eat makes me want to vomit. I have to sit and not do anything for a little while after eating to make sure I don't vomit. Unfortunately, that's not possible at work, therefore I'm always throwing up. I think my trainer thinks I'm bulemic. Which anyone who knows me, knows I love food, maybe not as much as Patricia, but close. I don't know how to fix it. It takes months to get into my retarded doctor. I really need a new one anyways.

Because of my inability to eat, I've gained some weight back. My trainer is not so happy. One would think that if you don't eat and vomit about 1/2 of what you do eat, you'd loose weight. But no! I was hoping to be super hot by my birthday, which is Sunday. And although I notice that my belly is smaller, I don't have the fit body I was hoping for. But that's sorta my fault anyways, i've been slacking on going to the gym and eating really well. But then again, when you're all vomity you're not really likely to eat or work out.

Boys update: Nothing. It's pretty sad. I went out with a friend last week, and it sorta felt like he was making it a date. He gave me this hug and started talking while hugging me, therefore you have to open up your chests to look at each other which is kissing position to me. It was sorta awkward. He's really cool and all, and actually pretty attractive. But he drinks and does alot of illicit drugs which is a big turn off for me. I saw Mowgli about 2 weeks ago, he's working on some project. As much as I want to see if there is something there, he just won't let that happen. So I think I've gotten that out of my head and just want to hump him just cause I can. Oh wait, he's got that on lockdown too. Fool just works too much and if he's not working, he's on a business trip or not trying to hang out with me. I should just face it and start referring to him as a booty call. He probably has a girlfriend knowing my horrible luck. And honestly, that's about it.

My birthday is going to be lame. I don't have plans, I'm sure I'm not getting a surprise party. I'm a hard person to shop for, so I usually don't get gifts and I'm not a big drinker. Shots aren't a good idea for me especially if I'm already so vomit sensitive. I just want my love life to turn around for my birthday. Don't need to fall in love, just find someone cool to hang out with.... and hump. That's always nice.

It tastes ohhh sooo gooood!

2007-07-16T09:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I wrote. So here's the updates.

I went to Oklahoma City for a week long visit. I sorta hooked up with the ex-love of my life. How interesting it was. It didn't even bother me that he's kinda talking to someone. I was nervous that if we did hook up it might re-kindle old feelings, more on my part than his. But fuck, I could care less. I thought "this is fun, and I sorta miss having a boyfriend, but it's not him". It makes things so much easier in my heart, cause I have been wondering if I still loved him or just the idea of him. Other than that, Oklahoma was Oklahoma. I saw some people, the people I didn't see were mad at me and it rained alot. I also drove to and from there, which was a pain in the ass.

My sister came back with me. She's staying with me for a while in the hopes that she will make it big. I hope she does, cause I want to live in a mansion too. haha But in the mean time, she's slowly driving me crazy. She's pretty similar to my roommate, who both sit around and smoke pot when they're not working. Which is fine sometimes, but damn, when I've been working three to four 12hr shifts at night, I don't want to always empty the garbage, do the dishes and just do general cleaning. It gets old to always have to ask too. Then you become the nagging bitch. Which I don't like, but I'm good at.

Starting school in a few weeks. My job at the hospital won't let me go to day shift, so right now my schedule will be going to school during the weekdays from 8-3pm and switching to nights to work on the weekends. EVERY WEEKEND! I just don't think I can do it. So I thought maybe I should look for nanny jobs, who have a flexible schedule. I just told my manager today that I'm looking, we'll see what happens. I also have an interview with a woman who needs a personal assistant/nanny for her 3 y/o daughter. So we'll see who offers me the best situation.

Also, my birthday is in 2-ish weeks. (July 29th). I have no idea what to do. I'm pretty sure no one will remember or care. I never get anything either. And I can't even say it's cause I'm older, it's been like this since I was 7 or something. Lame, I know. Anyways, I'm off to see my trainer, so he can tell me what a fat ass I am and that I need to stop eating shitty. But trainer man, it tastes ohhh sooo gooood!

This is why I'm hot

2007-06-11T03:11:00.000-07:00

So evidently I'm getting skinny and tan, this according to everyone I work with. I don't see it yet, but I'll accept it. I've been sorta slacking on the eating healthy though, but damn some food is too good to pass up. I keep forgetting to take before pics, but it maybe too late for all that now. And besides, is it not weird and incredibly hard to take full shots of yourself? I know what you're saying, "use the self-timer". But my camera won't stay by it's self and guess who doesn't have a tripod.

In other news, I went to Napa Valley over Memorial Day weekend. Got drunk everyday at the vineyards. Sorta hooked up with a friend (sshh, it's a secret). Just kept it chill. It was a good vacation.

Since then I've been working my ass off.... overtime after overtime.

The boy that I've kinda been talking to who is like me, I call him Mowgli (for obvious physical reasons), has been working just as much as me. Which doesn't leave much time to hang out or make out or whatever. We've seen each other once in about a month. I guess we're not really talking. haha. It's just strange, when he told me that he made out with some girl on vacation, it didn't even bother me. I can't even figure out if I like him, or I just like hooking up with him. I guess there is nothing wrong with it either way. I guess I'm intrigued with not knowing exactly what the situation is. I defintely like keeping it "breezy" but at the same time, I don't want to be all ho-like and be hooking up with other people because I want consistency.I'm always trapped in a Catch 22. But honestly, how can you ask someone you barely see and you have no real relationship with, "where is this going in your mind?" You know I'd look crazy. Or should I just say fuck it and just hook up with whoever regardless of this not even close to a relationship-relationship. Ohh I dunno.

Blame Canada!

2007-05-22T21:29:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired. I worked last night and again tonight, but I woke up at 1pm (1am for most people) to go work out at the gym with my trainer. He punished me for not losing all the weight I was supposed to. Punishment: Stair stepper, the one that looks like an escalator. Man does that thing kick my ass. I started wheezing (asmatics know what I'm talking about) and I'm sure my heart rate was 200bpm. Death was knocking on my door, I'm sure of it.

So anyhow, I'm tired. I'm trying to figure out how to get enough sleep and still work in going to the gym tomorrow. Which seems unimaginable since I work again tomorrow night. Blah, I don't know how people do it!

Change the subject. I'm 90% sure I'm going to St. Helena, CA this weekend (up in Napa) to visit some peeps from Oklahoma. Should be awesome. I'll keep you bitches posted.

Nothing else to do

2007-05-21T10:25:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've come to a point in my life where I should be happy, but I'm not. I have a job I really enjoy, going back to school just in case I want to do something a little different, I make a decent living, I can pretty much afford what I need to and most of what I want, I'm starting to make friends in L.A., got a personal trainer, and my apartment is coming together. What else could I want? Same thing I always want, which is starting to annoy me to talk about just as much as it's probably annoying for you to hear about, a boy.

I've been really trying to pick non-douchebags, but I know I am always drawn to them. SO I've been looking into boys that I would never usually date personality wise, like overly nice-emo-esque. But even those have turned into horrible experiences. Evidently the guy that reminded me of the ex had been doing Crystal Meth (woo hoo!) and decided to up and move to Denver. Meanwhile, his gay neighbor and my roommate got together and they're all lovey-dovey, make me vomit in my mouth happy. I have had to listen to all this back and forth craziness for the past two weeks (yes, they've known each other for 2 weeks!). Examples would include:
"Oh you've never been to Europe? I'll take you"
"I just want you to sit at home and I'll work"
"I have ever intention of making you my boyfriend"
"You make me want to be a better man"

Oh man, just writing it out pisses me off. I know I should be happy for him, but damn when is it my turn! I know I should stop bitching and it will happen, but it's hard. I'm so jaded I'm sure to be alone for the rest of my life.

But then I thought I met a guy who was just like me, I didn't have the butterfly feeling but I was so comfortable with him it was crazy. He just works ALL the time, and we never get to hang out because of it. I find myself just being so needy that I know for sure I'm going to drive the boy away. I mean if a guy was that way to me, I'd jet. Then again, a little attention would be nice and needed.

SO in other news, I got a personal trainer, after I did the Master Cleanse. I really thought I was going to die the first day. I hadn't seriously worked out in 2 years! He had me do a little on the elliptical and treadmill. But when he got me on the stair machine, the one that looks like an escalator, I couldn't even move my legs anymore. They felt like they were 15 Tons. He told me I could stop and I just slid right off, haha didn't even turn off the machine. I've been to 4 training sessions now and I can already tell how much I've improved. I dunno if I feel energized, but I'm not dying when I work out. My goal is to have a hot body for my birthday. I'll take before and afer pics....I just keep forgetting. ALright I think that's enough venting for now.

Slacking

2007-05-02T03:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can never seem to remember to write something on this. I wish I did, cause I'm always thinking.

So brief updates.

Boy that reminded me of the ex, is done. After ditching out on two dates, I realized it wasn't gonna go anywhere. We hadn't talked in about a week and half, and then he texted me today. Told me had been abusing drugs, so it kinda all started to make sense. But I can't deal with that right now.

Anyhow, I met a new boy on facebook. Some how I've become and internet ho. Well not really, but almost all of the guys I've met in LA have been from the internet....but I haven't hooked up with them all.... yet. haha Anyways, new boy is more my style and more like me. But it's pretty early to see if that assumption is correct. They usually aren't anyways....but i'm really trying to learn how to be optimistic.

Wow, I'm lame. I can't even find enough shit to say in this thing. Everything I write is about boys. What the hell is wrong with me?

OOOHHHH I just remembered! I started the Master Cleanse (www.themastercleanse.com for those who don't know what it is) last friday. I've been half assing it the whole time, just drinking the tea and salt water flush....not so much on the lemonade. But I already lost 12lbs! That's freaking awesome. And I'm gonna start going to a gym. Maybe I can be hot by the beginning of summer.

Graduate School

2007-03-27T06:32:00.000-07:00

I completely forgot to announce that I got into Graduate School at UCLA for Fall 2007. I'm going to be a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner/Clinical Nurse Specialist. Get excited!

Caring is Creepy - A.K.A. Moving sucks ass

2007-03-27T05:05:00.000-07:00

So I moved to Hollywood, from North Hollywood. I kinda like Hollywood so far, it's defintely busier but everything is walking distance. It feels more like a big city. I had to move because the girl I was living with was also the owner of the condo, decided to sell it. It sucked cause I hate moving, but at the same time, she was getting a little crazy so it worked out.

I'm living with the other roommate at that same place. He worked with that girl at Entertainment Tonight. He's much more fun and relaxed, and if I watch one of his DVDs he's cool with it. Too bad I don't like gay porn. Haha. Anyhow, I have yet to get internet access at my new place, so I've been M.I.A for over a week. It's weird how much we rely on the internet. You can get soo much done.

It actually hasn't been too bad because my Sidekick can access most internet sites, except for it went crazy over the past weekend. I lost my address book for a day. That's when I really went ape-shit crazy. No internet, no cell phone, and like 5 channels on my TV. What is a girl to do? Only option is to hump someone. Hum....but who?

SO, around the 16th, I finally kissed a guy who had been trying to holla at me for some time. I wasn't sure if I liked him though, and I really liked hanging out with him and his roommate so much that I didn't want to jeopardize that by hooking up. But I went for it anyways, and I must say kissing him changed my outlook on the whole thing. I haven't kissed someone who gave me butterflies in soo long, it was scary. He already reminds me of my ex, whom I got so dependent on that when we broke up I lost it. I don't want to get into that situation again. It's interesting what people can make a normally sane person nuts. Anyhow, it got weird after that. But I started moving and then my mom,sister and brother came into town to visit and I couldn't really sit and discuss it with him at that time. But I thought about him everyday. Yeah, everyday...scary. We finally sat down and talked on Sat. and I guess decided that we both are feeling the same way. But for some reason he thinks I was raised in some middle-america typical cookie cutter household, which is far from true. Oddly, he looks like the guys I wanted in High School. Punked out, tattoos and stretched ears, but bathes (That's for you Raves! I wish I could remember the name of that song you made for me. haha). So here is a list of the similarities of my ex and this new guy.
1. New guy- we kiss on the same day his dad has a heart attack
Ex - started talking around the same time his grandfather dies

2. New guy - I just moved 1 block away on the same street as him
Ex - I lived across the street while we were dating

3. New guy - Cancer
Ex- Cancer, birthday a week before new guy

4. New guy - very caring, responsible, feels taken advantage of by his friends, but doesn't have the courage to tell him, scared of being straight forward
Ex- exact same

5. New guy- I tend to hang out with and talk to his roommate more, even when he is in the room because he gets into a zone of doing something else (cooking,cleaning, organizign his ipod).
Ex- His roommate was a good friend of mine, we had "kid dated" in 9th grade (no real dates, no kisses, etc) and we went to OU together so we would ride to class together, drive around together. etc. While my ex would cook, clean, work on his truck, etc.

I'm sure there are more similarities, but those alone already have me worried. I loved my ex so much and it ended so badly that I'm afraid to love someone again. But I've been trying hard to not let old situations affect the present...it's just much easier said than done.

SO on another note, when my family was in town. My sister and I went to see Jimmy Kimmel. Terrance Howard(Hustle & Flow and Crash) was on and he got my sister's number....even called her afterwards. That night, we went to Area (one of the new hot spots in LA) and Lindsey Lohan was there. My sister took a picture with her, they both look faded. Once I can get online on my computer I'll post it. Anyhow, my shift is about to end at work. Tootles.

Forgot about Dre

2007-02-21T22:44:00.000-08:00

So per Dr. Dre on Power 106 this morning, Detox will be released sometime this year! Woo hoo. I know it made my day, my week actually.

Also just to see how many weird guys I get.... there was this boy, an aquaintance, who always asked me to come see him perform. Well I did one night, finally, and of course we hooked up afterwards. Whatever. No biggie. About a week later he wanted to come over, it was 2am. Of course I'm thinking we're going to hook up, duh, it's 2am! He comes over, we make out, he asks to take of his pants cause he's "hot", we make out again, he asks me to turn off the light, make out some more (all of this is within 30mins), and then he drops the bomb on me.... He's a VIRGIN!

Not like I really care that's he's 23 and a virgin. Actually I could care less. But he wouldn't stop talking about it, asking when he should do it, who should he do it with, blah blah blah. None the less, it really killed the mood. Then he tells me he "doesn't want to involve [me] in all of this and [he] just wants to be friends."

Umm ya, way to go me!

Yes, I know it's my fault

2007-02-17T18:55:00.000-08:00

So it's been a very long time since I wrote anything. I've just been feeling really alone lately and everything seems to just be a reminder of how shitty I feel.

A while ago, I had posted an email that a guy I knew in college sent me. It was so sweet and made me feel like someone actually cared about me. I know it's lame but it's a great feeling to know that someone thinks about you. And the more me and this guy talked, the more I liked him. The more I wanted it to work and be what I needed in life at this point. I went to Oklahoma for a visit around New Years and it started to hit me that maybe I didn't like him, maybe I liked how nice he was to me. I was upfront about these feelings, because he was supposed to be visiting LA two weeks after that and I didn't want to lead him on.

It was supposed to be a very casual, no pressure. He arrived on a day I had to work, so his friend picked him up and they did shit until I was off for a few days. He calls me at 11am (when I worked the night before) and says they are on their way to my house. Umm ok, so when they get here, his friend just drops him off. I felt like I was pressured into having to show him around and entertain him when it was already a little awkward since we haven't seen each other in 7years! But at the same time, we've been talking for a few months in a very personal way and I felt like I should do it. So long story short, I never felt comfortable with him. And it made me feel soo guilty, like I'm doing it on purpose.

That's why I named this blog the way I did. I finally checked some comments that were left, mostly by Ryan, and I felt like writing. Yes, I know the reason why I'll be alone for the rest of my life is my fault. The guys that I want don't accept me for me and the ones that do, I'm not attracted to. And if I find ones that I am attracted to and accept me, well, I'll find something wrong with them. I'll do something to make it not work. I am so bitter at this point that I set up every guy for failure. I'm not sure if I'm causing a self fulfilling prophecy or if all guys are douchebags. I thought I knew at one point, but now I just think it's me.

Whenever I'm off work and I call everyone I know to see what's going on for that night and maybe 2 people respond, you have to blame yourself. What other reason could it be that no one wants to talk to you, no one calls you and invites you out or answers your phone calls?

I'm not writing this for sympathy, I'm writing this to get it out of my head. One person commented that no one cares about everything in my brain, and I'm sure they don't. I really don't care if they do. It just makes me feel better to get it out in the universe since I don't have a person to talk to, I'll talk to everyone.

So for those who like to read about all the thoughts in my head, I'm going to try to write more often. Hope you enjoy it, and if not, fuck off.

Internet wars

2006-11-22T09:58:00.000-08:00

I'm in an Internet war with my good friend Ryan. So it started off when he said I post too many bulletins on Myspace and it just keeps going from there. Enjoy.

"Though I love Bianca with all my heart:

Bianca and I have known each other for many years and we dated briefly in the 7th grade, so I feel that I have suffiencient clout to step in
and say this:

Bianca, sweetheart. You post entirely too many bulletins. I mean, really. It's kind of like the boy-who-cried-wolf theory, ya know? One must pick their spots carefully or one runs the risk of becoming nothing more than white noise, ambient.

In no way am I trying to put embarrass or put myself above anyone... oh who am I kidding? That's exactly what I'm trying to do."

My Response:
All i'm saying is, if you had more friends, as I do, you wouldn't even notice my bulletins. So to all my friends add Ryan, post as many bulletins as you want, so he can stop hating on his only funny and entertaining friend.

In order to make this bulletin short, I'm incorporating his next response with my next response. My response bolded.

So you may have read my bulletin about my friend Ryan needing more friends after he commented that post too many bulletins. Sorry this is soo long, but Ryan likes to hear himself talk and i figured you needed his ramblings to understand my response.

"As some of you may have seen, I recently found it necessary to put a stop to some atrocious MySpace behavior.

My lovely friend Bianca has a little monkey on her back called “the myspace bulletin”. I swear to god that this chick posts no less than 400 myspace bulletins every single day.

I decided to post my own myspace bulletin titled: “Bianca: An Intervention”.

It read:

“Though I love Bianca with all my heart:

Bianca and I have known each other for many years and we dated briefly in the 7th grade, so I feel that I have suffiencient authority to step in
and say the following:

Bianca, sweetheart. You post entirely too many bulletins. I mean, really. It's kind of like the boy-who-cried-wolf theory, ya know? One must pick their spots carefully or one runs the risk of becoming nothing more than white noise, ambient.“

About half an hour later, Bianca fired back with a bulletin titled: “Ryan Needs More Myspace Friends”. I would post her response in its entirety, but it really doesn’t matter. You get the jist from the title.

Well, thankfully, I can address this pretty easily.

Being the open minded individual that I am, I would never immediately disregard a long-time friend’s advice as to how I could improve my life. So I went to Bianca’s myspace page and looked at some of her many many many “friends” and read what they had to say about her on her page.

Let me highlight a few particularly thoughtful entries from these “friends” that I apparently “need”:

Put on your safety goggles, readers.

In this comment, a gentleman is articulately addressing his concern regarding the quality of the comments of Bianca’s other male suitors, obviously trying to separate himself from the pack. Maybe it would have worked if it was a room full of retarded deaf mutes. But then again, some of them may be able to read lips, so that’s out. It’s on her picture with the star tattoo. This is fucking priceless.

“these fools is LAME as FUNK!!and thats all these fools about an tryin to shoot down dem stars and shoot for the stars.. as for me i am into ASTROLOGY!!soo i know my SUPA'STARS!! and uumm hmmm i see dem now... oooh eeeeeeee.. goose down blankee da best when u start gazing... hee hee hee“

This guy only confirms my position on mercy killings. If I were a doctor, I’d pull the plug on this fucktard in a heartbeat… or lack thereof.

This next comment was left on Bianca’s picture with the rabbit ears:

“HERE bunni bunni bunni!! HERE bunni bunni bunni.. shit.. what must i do to bring that bunni to smile or roll over or do a damn back flip.. and why is the bunny lookin alllllllllllll mad and shit.. HA THATS JUST TO dont have me get BUGS BUNNY ON YO ASSSSSSSSSS!! um hmmm lol“

I… I’m speechless. Really.

Last, there is a picture of my darling Bianca on her myspace page where she is donning a tasteful green sweater. I happen to think Bianca is a beautiful woman and I always have. But, regarding this last comment, all I have to say is this: With Friends Like These… (you know the rest):

“this looks like a herpes ad”

So, no Bianca. I do not think I need more MySpace “friends”. I’m perfectly happy knowing that no one in my network would tell me I look like a herpes ad."

First off, I want mention how he chose the the same person for two of those comments. Which makes your little friend experiment slightly biased. Work on that next time Ryan, you genius you.

But you know, I want to apologize to my dear old friend Ryan. He's been so helpful pointing out the only ghetto hispanic guy on my page and I just want him to know how much I admire him.

I'm sorry I'm not as cool as Ryan with his awesome flash back to the 90's inline skating skills. I'm sorry I'm not skinny enough to really pull of the heroin chic look in all of his pictures. I'm really sorry that I can't come up with really fun letters to write to myself on my blogs or to my significant other for that matter. (Sounds like bulletin material to me.)

Really, I'm just glad to see Ryan is such an ass douche (yes, I said ass douche) he actually writes similar comments to people on his "widely popular" blog.

"Yes, fruit boots, I really do watch Ultimate Fighter.

I see that you're new to the blog game so I'm going to let you slide this one time without thoroughly emabarrasing you for the whole world to see.

Watch your tone in the future or I will make you cry.

Believe me, you don't want to get me started on your shitty webcomic.

Clear?"

Ya, we're clear Ryan. Stop being a dick, gain some weight, and get a modern day hobby. We all just want you to strive.

I'm not as cool as I thought

2006-11-16T02:39:00.000-08:00

So I had decided when I signed up for this blogger business that I would write something almost everyday. Ha, ya right. I get caught up being bored that I can't think. It's only been recently that I feel like I have something worth talking about. Or maybe I don't. No one seems to be reading my dumb stories anyhow.

New news: I am applying to grad school at UCLA for Pediatric Nurse Practioner/Clinical Nurse Specialist. Basically I'm kinda like a doctor, see my own patients, prescribe medications, etc. So that's kinda exciting.

Also, the boy who had sent me such kind words (see older blog posting), is coming to LA in January. I'm pretty happy about that too. I haven't seen the guy in years (about 6) but I sill have a good feeling about the whole thing. I haven't felt this excited about a boy since I started dating my ex-bf. At the same time, I don't want to get soo caught up in false emotions based on internet conversations and have this not turn into anything. But then again, do I want it to turn into anything. Dating someone who lives about 1500 miles away, isn't that cool. I personally like to hump the person I'm dating whenever I want, which isn't likely to happen with him. Neither one of us is rich enough to fly back and forth twice a month....which seriously is a minimum on the hump scale.

So there you have it. My lame excuse for a story. Hope you enjoyed.

I'm cursed!

2006-11-06T11:18:00.000-08:00

dI'm cursed! Ya....I finally put it together. I woke up this morning to an AIM message from a guy that I hooked up with about a month ago and never really heard from again besides some "hey's" every now and again. He apologized for not responding to previous messages, and I appreciate that. Especially since I just assumed he was a douchebag....so it was a nice surprise. But then IT comes out....he's seeing someone, the guy who when I was talking to him said, "I don't want a girlfriend." Ya, of course you don't....they all don't.

SO this is my curse. Any guy that I have liked and they knew it, kissed, etc. with in the past three years have all said they didn't want a girlfriend....BUT once we have done whatever or haven't done anything, they decide "I do want a girlfriend, but not Bianca." I guess you could see it as these aren't the guys I need to be with anyways, but it seems too big of a fucking coincidence for it to be just that. I have long suspected I was the girl that guys wanted to hook up with but never wanted to date, and I was right.

I just want to know what it is about me that makes me not date-able. Well I don't want to say not date-able, there are always guys that I'm not interested in (myspacers) that always offer. But I'm talking about guys that I have an attraction for and they seem to be attracted to me as well. Anyhow, I'm gonna go sit around today and be depressed, try to figure this all out. And girls if there is a guy that keeps telling you they don't want a girlfriend, send them my way for like 5 mins and then they'll be all over you.

EDIT: Not all of them are douchebags, trust me. Some, like two, have been really sweet, super nice guys. I can actually say that because I have known them for years.

Someone loves me

2006-10-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking of those nights at BU when you'd visit my dorm room. I remember your curly hair and the glasses, and the small talk (usually on my part) and that killer smile. I cant, for the life of me, figure how you sparked up an attraction to me. My closest guess is just classes in CGS, or living in the same dorm, and its still a little bit of a mystery to me.
My best image of myself around then is this oblivious, scared, ugly person. I was definately going through some ill / personal shit in Boston and its only recently that Ive finally buried a great deal of my bullshit and put it behind me.
My first impulse is to kick myself for letting any of that keep me from seeing how truely unique and beautiful you are. Its true, I missed out in a big way but regret is something I dont like carrying around with me so dont get all cockey, Im over it.
I guess what Im trying to say is that even though its painfully vicarious, being the long distance friends we are is not only gratifying, its pleasantly surprising. You are an amazing person and even though we only communicate sporadically, I walk away from our conversations with the biggest, goofy grin on my face.
Its definately a pale comparison with genuine social interaction but considering how long its been since we were at BU its tight we can at least send long, akward, perhaps a tad-too-touchy-feely messages over myspace.
In any case, this long, akward, a tad-too-touchy-feely message is just for you.......and that fine ass.

take care girl,
D

Another one bites the dust

2006-10-17T05:01:00.000-07:00

It's kinda funny, well maybe only if you have experience in the medical field, that when you see a person hanging on to their last breath that you think, "Why don't these parents just let them go?" Ya, it's not that easy when it's your kid, but at the same time is your kid really happy right now? Or are you just keeping them around for your own personal state of mind.

Tonight, we had a girl who coded on the floor (translation: was trying to die on a non-critical care nursing unit). We thought she probably wouldn't make it down to the PICU. But she did.....everyone wondered "but for how long?" We coded her off and on for about 3 hours....that's a fucking long time to keep doing chest compressions. We gave her every medicine we could to keep her heart beating. We all knew it wasn't going to keep her around here much longer, she just wasn't responding to it that well. Sometimes it takes the parents seeing how harsh resusitation can be for them to decide not to keep doing it. So that's what happened. The let her go and I think it's such a noble thing to do.

Welcome to the New Page

2006-10-16T02:07:00.000-07:00

So my great friend, Raven, has been ohh so kind enough to revamp my blog. It's lovely.

I don't really have much to say, unfortunately. I'm currently at work....working hard, obviously. Actually my kid tonight is a DNR (Do not resuscitate), I'm sure you can all figure out what that means. So I don't have much going on because we're not doing much for the poor kid.

I know this is mean, but if you work in the health professions, you'd understand that sometimes people need to die. Ya, I said it was mean. Without violating the stupid HIPPA laws, we'll just say there is soo much shit wrong with this kid, and we're just keeping him alive because his parents are in so much denial they won't withdrawal support. I'm not saying it's an easy decision to basically kill your kid, but at the same time, is it fair to have the kid all laid up in the hospital for months, swollen like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? The kid is miserable, you don't even want to know about all his skin issues (we'll just say it's way, way broken down). I guess anything's possible and maybe the kid will come out of all this. But do you want to keep him in pain and agony just for a chance?

There is another kid here, in the teens, who was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He decided for himself, HIMSELF!, that he wanted to withdrawal support. That's brave. All I'm saying is if a 16 y/o can decide to let himself go, I just think it's time this kid's parents do the same. Life is only good when it's worth living....I don't consider living in a hospital with a tube in your throat good living.

God Hates Me, when I change my profile pic

2006-10-10T01:31:00.000-07:00

So funny, I just changed my profile pic on Myspace, maybe an hour ago. And look at the things I've gotten! It's funny how showing boobies changes how often you get hit on.

From: DIRTY MONEY WORKS

Date: Oct 10 2006 12:42 AM Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: No Subject
Body: WAS CRACKIN SEXY??

Evidently showing off more cleavage means you hotter.

From: Vento

Date: Oct 10 2006 12:38 AM Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: myspace girl of the year
Body: did you ever think about that? you'r freaking hot

Oh I love boys who can't read! The first line in my profile says what I do!

From: Wickedly Perfect

Date: Oct 10 2006 12:34 AM Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: No Subject
Body: hi there..... u r such a qt..... wat do u do for a living?

more non-profile reading fools

From: XXXDieselXXX

Date: Oct 10 2006 12:27 AM Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: hey there
Body: Just wanted to say HI.So what city are you from and what you do for fun? Drop me a line sometime and we'll talk more. till then take care.

Dan

And the grand finale.....

From: Mike

Date: Oct 10 2006 12:29 AM Flag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: No Subject
Body: Oh my god, you must be the biggest walking piece of meat I have ever seen? How many guys have titty-fucked you?

My first post

2006-10-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

I decided to make a blog because I have soo much to say and my work blocked Myspace. I can use a circumventor to check it, but the thing sucks ass, so I can't ever post a blog unless I'm at home. But the lovely blogspot isn't blocked!

So now, you can read everything that comes out of my head almost everyday! Get excited.

I've been frustrated by males, so that's a topic that will be long lasting.
We'll just start with that fact that I HATE, HATE HATE girls that can break up with a guy and have a new bf within a few months! It's soo not fair. Especially when I can't get a date from non-ugly crazy guys.

Ok, that's really about all for now. I don't want to sound totally insane on my first blog, I'll save that for later.